American Idol Top 10

Confession time- these recaps just aren't important enough to me to warrant watching all this opening crap. Maybe if I weren't racing to watch both this and lost on the same night. . . No, just not. Yeah - Carrie didn't make it to AI tonight, so this is just me on this end. Also, since Carrie is worried about other teachers at her school reading the blog, as well as her family and all, I have promised no sex jokes this week. This is gonna be hard, but I will stick it out and hope everything comes naturally.

Matty G- Smokey says that "Marvin would love that," because any dead performer would love a karaoke version of one of his meaningful songs sung in the context of a giant popularity contest on an extreme right wing network. Oh hell yes! I can't imagine much more will be better than this tonight. Outstanding. (He has sung this song for so many drunk bachelorettes in his lifetime at Silky's! He should know this like the back of Ron's hand!) They show Paula and Kara and they are giddy- hee! Chip: Nice. Uh, yeah! Kara actually makes a sex joke. I can't, but she does. Paula has some sort of arm/chest fat hanging over the top of her outfit - ouch.

Arkansas- He's so cute! Ryan says, "last week we saw his sensitive side" - really, is there another side? Is there anything else to him? I mean, this is okay, but didn't rock me like Matt did. Anyway, he's fine but he bores me. So let's talk about me. Chloe loved Matty G. Also, I found myself singing "our" song to her tonight a lot, because of the theme- My Girl. I really hope someone sings it so I can save it an play it for her! She's only really heard the song once- maybe I can fool her into thinking I wrote it! What's the over/under on how old she is before she figures out the truth? Macaulay Culkin dies at the end of this song. Back to this guy. What is with the way he sings and talks out of the right side of his mouth. Is he subconsciously thinking about the last time he went fishing? Bell's palsy? A stroke? Chip thinks he's "polished"- I guess. He doesn't know shit from shinola? Thank you! He'd like to hear it with the guitar only and not the band. OK, I can see that. But then it wouldn't be Motown. But that's okay, right DAUGHTRY? I love the way Kris' shirt makes it look like he has arm tattoos. You're so cool dude! Paula: blah blah blah, high A, I think? Oh, Paula. I hope you asked someone you trust, because that answer didn't come from you at all. Is that Padma in the crowd behind Simon? All in all, his version of "How Sweet it is" in no way compares to Chris Klein's in American Pie.

Guy who is blind (Me, trying to come up with a clever name: Chip, who's a famous blind guy? Chip: Ronnie Millsaps! Both of us: Spit-take. Man that shit cracked us up!) - Apparently all songs tonight start off slow, then go up tempo. Really, this is the third in a row. Oh lordy that was horrible. Goodness. Just make this stop, America! FF to comments This was my second straight FF - why is Paula with the technically talk tonight? She is so scripted! Paula says that he "pleased both Simon and I" - which, that's what she...said with bad grammar. Simon and me, not Simon and I. Simon- word. Rough. Wait, does Paula not know that Randy is agreeing with Simon? She is a disaster! Answer the question, Paula- he's not as good as the others. Whoa- WTF? Oh no. That did NOT just happen with the coloring books! Oh shit, and then Ryan had to describe it to Scott! Oh goodness. This is just bad all around. Chip just decided he doesn't want to watch AI anymore. I think I understand where he's coming from. I think that was a sketch, from start to finish.

Tim Commorford (anyone? Arm tattoo guy from RATM? OK - here's "Megan Joy") - My no sex comments/jokes will be pushed to the extreme here. She's just not a good singer. Oh Good God she is terrible - hot, but terrible. Chip doesn't like how they glammed her up. She is dressed in a way that shows off her body. Not that I have anything to say about that. He wants her to look quirky if she's going to sound and act quirky. She makes me want to never wear flats again. Flat is not the word I...caught myself. And also makes me want cheek implants. I'd implant in her che...can't do it. I'll sum it up- if I'm a guy, I don't ever want her to go home (I want her to go home -with me, so we can...I mean, yes, she is attractive.) because she is clearly the hottest Idol contestant ever. But me? Buh bye. Paula says that she "didn't find the pocket". Oh come on! Leather pants! Does nobody else see that Ross is wearing leather pants! People like Ross don't generally wear these types of pants! (Randy was about to start talking, and Chip said, It wasn't jumping off for me, dawg. Then Randy said it! Awesome.)

Anoop!- Chip deems Smokey worthless. He loves everyone! I agree- bring back Randy Travis! Great song choice. This is great. But why does he have that jacket on? The outfit is fine without it. I actually blacked out, and when I came to, I was cleaning out the fridge. I am dead serious here - I think I was looking for a Sprite Zero. Anyway, his falsetto is nice. Kara - "There were moments in your chest where you hit it" - at the end of the day, I must say that was the first time in my life I have ever heard anyone say that sentence. Chip, however, hates this song, thinks it's "lifeless." Aw, Simon likes him! Me too. I can't agree that Anoop had a "strong week".

Roughneck- Is it weird that I'm surprised when I see people? I'm like, Oh yeah- the roughneck! (I did this with Kris too.) Church! Oh, and Smokey finally redeems himself by criticizing Roughneck. Thanks, Smokey! If it's all the same to you, I'm going to use Ashlee Simpson's plastic surgeon and not yours when my time comes, okay? Okay. Hey - Smokey is 91 years old and looks like that. Freaky, but he could look much worse. Back to this one. Jacob: This song really sums up the experience. I'm surprised Adam didn't wrestle the Bear for it! (I haven't read him yet, of course- that was really just for you, Shannon!) Hold on- you can't really gospel that up- it's about sex and stuff! Sarver coughs a little at the end, and it looks like a soccer player taking a dive. Simon- why do people boo when he says Sarver has no chance of winning? He doesn't! Simon - ouch. He does say it was below par, which in golf is a good thing. So he's got that going for him.

Lil Rounds- Smokey just sprouted wood (Smokey wood is great for mesquite), then did the whole "phone book" thing. It's the alphabet, Smokey! I have that EXACT joke written down in my notes. Samesies! Wait- Lil is black? I'm kidding- I appreciate this. (The Onion this week- In one of many historic firsts, Barack Obama becomes the first black president to TiVo MythBusters. LOL!) Chip mentioned that Smokey didn't need all that work in order to look young- he carries himself and dresses much younger than he is. OK, she is so cute, dressing the part and all. This is great- very effortless. Like, if she misses a note, it doesn't bother me because she doesn't seem to be trying too hard, ya know? Anyway- Lil: Hey skinny white boys, this is Motown. Snap, bitches. Yeah, she sang the shit out of that. She is awesome - the judges suck.

Adam- Barf. Chip says, If he undersings something, I might like it! He's the king, I mean, Queen Oversinger. Nice. Oh my lord. What is going on with him physically? Chip: He looks like a character on Lazytown! HHAaaaaaaaaaahahaha!!!!!! OK, I'm ruined now. I have no idea what is happening other than Lazytown. LOLZ! Chip just won this blog post. I had written down kd lang and Extreme jokes, but they don't compare. OK, I can't understand what the judges are saying, it's all muffled with Adam's dick all in their mouths. (talk about jealousy, infidelity...) Eh, I guess it was alright. But I think. . . OMG- look at him! Bwaahahaaa! Sportacus! OK, I'm back. I just hate that he's going to win. I mean, I'm sort of happy because we need an openly gay Idol (um...), but eh. Still don't get this guy's appeal. (PS - thanks to Chip, I have youtubed "You are a Pirate", and the double entendres really fit with Adam Lambert. PPS - I put "You are a Pirate" between Arcade Fire's "Intervention" and Sigur Ros' "Hoppipolla" on my favorite songs of all time. OK, not really.)

Liam Neeson - Smokey has actual advice! That is promptly ignored. PWN3D, Robinson! I do like his voice, and yes, I understand people see him as a Yamin type. But I LOVED Elliot Yamin. I do not love this guy. Chip says, Yeah, just like Adam is good but we just don't "like" him. Damn, Chip's right- we don't like these people! Ugh. Almost an immediate FF. Hopefully, a real, true fave will emerge for me soon. Right now, it's really Matty G, Lil, and Allison and a bunch of people who bug me. Lil is far and away my favorite. Then Megan, for obvious reasons. Like the MUTE button on my remote. (And Anoop- but he's just aaallmmooooost there for me.) Why are the judges rushing? There are 15 minutes left!

Speaking of- Allison! Dude, the band is so happy about this song! They have been a bit sub-par this season. I was hoping Motown night would bring them out of their funk. Fast Forward again. Yikes - Can't they have hair band week next week, or Irish drinking song week? (Skid Row's Wasted Time, and The Irish Rover are the songs I would choose for those 2 weeks, btw. For Motown - I Want You Back, the Jackson 5. Easy.) OK, Allison. Yes ma'am. Secretly, she's my favorite. I think she's emerging as the one I have an emotional investment in. I mean, g-damn! I can't believe she's 16. I agree - I hope she does well, but I REALLY hope this season gets more bearable.
(Emotional investment in years past: Kelly, Kim Locke, Latoya London/Huddy, Bo Bice, Chris Daughtry/Yamin, Blake/Doolittle, David Cook. For me - Kelly Clarkson, Bob Ice, Fantasia, McPhee's legs, Michael Johns.)

Anyway, watching the playback you watched the playback?- Lil and Allison are just so much more comfortable on stage than most of the others. I'm not holding my breath when they're out there. They are confident and fun, and don't sound like they're in a HS talent show. But I really like Matt too, and Gokey did well, and Anoop. I still think Alexis has a chance. And Adam? As much as I hate Adam, I don't fast forward him. His hair! Yar har fiddle dee dee, being a pirate is alright with me! Also - Wednesday night does NOT work for us. Lost takes so much precedence. Tonight's episode - no way that ending sticks. Dude!!!
Seacrest- OUT!