American Idol Top 13

So AI is back - here are my thoughts and Steph's thoughts - hers are in blue.

Seacrest walks on stage and says, "Last week the judges upped the ante - now up yours!" Kara, looks really hot. Italian chick top 5 for sure. 2 are going home this week, which is nice because I was worried that a top 13 would push SYTYCD back a week. Loved the judges intros! I'm such a dork. I just can't believe Simon actually dresses like that. I really do love him.

I've spent the day trying to figure out which MJ song I'd sing. Probably Working Day and Night! Just kidding. Say Say Say, obviously. (Or that duet with Janet from a few years ago, with the cool video? Or maybe Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me? That's my joke! This is tough.) Man- I've already had a whole glass of wine and no one has sung yet! I would totally sing I Want You Back by the Jackson 5, if anyone cares.

Lil Rounds: Let's head down to Memphis! Hell yes! And drive across that bridge into Arkansas that no one actually ever drives over except maybe once every few years to a wedding in Hot Springs. Growing up in Memphis IS great! It is second only to growing up anywhere else in the world. Her house was destroyed in this tornado. That hotel is right by the Hickory Ridge Mall. Lil- your body is KICKIN! She's got an itty bitty waist and round thing in my face- Chip is sprung. Sweet Jesus her ass. Rounds, yes. Lil, no. Plus, yikes on the outfit! Glad to see she didn't need to use anything from wardrobe, unless wardrobe exists at a PTA conference in 1987. The way you make me feel is like voting, Lil Rounds! She said "baaayby" like she's from Memphis. She just sounds like home to me. Nice job, Lil. Must be so hard to open this show on the big stage, but she looks and sounds like she's done this forever. Chip just did the Vince Carter "it's over." Wooohooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, seriously - this competition is hers to lose. I might have just booed Simon for the first time. Yeah, Simon - how is that a lazy song choice? What, did you want Thriller or something? She sang the hell out of that. But he did say, "give me 5 minutes, I'd sort her out." Which is much creepier when Clive Davis says it.

Blindy McGarfunkel: I would be more impressed if he was deaf, right? If this were a painting contest, I'd vote for him. They show his parents, who are like, "sucks that he is blind". His sister is blind too. At least Erin Brokovich got them that settlement money. OMG- the dancing with the also-blind sister almost melted my cold, cold Memphis heart! But not quite. Hey - that gets them triple the money begging in India! Slumdog FTW! OK, I've heard worse singing (me, earlier, singing Livin on a Prayer on Rock Band) but still- this can not be my next American Idol. Ooof. And the crowd goes wild! Whatever. Kara: "I'm so glad we get to see you. . . at the piano." Nice. Kara also compliments his "vision" - make that, his "message", sorry. Whatever, Paula- if I had a nickel for every time I've seen a man's instrument at his finger tips. . . Paula - tonight for her is what Hugh Laurie would call a "3 Vicodin scene" when shooting House. Seriously, her face is swollen. Elvis is embarassed by her tonight. Simon: "It's fine being artistic, just not on this show." FTW! Simon actually called a spade a spade and is right, that was kinda suck. We hit the fast forward for the first time on that performance.

Robert Downey Widower: While they are showing his family - Me: "He has like 400 people in his family. Used to be 401." Carrie: "Thanks, now I am going to die. Haven't I taught you about karma?" He was great as the Comedian in Watchmen. Widower != Jeffrey Dean Morgan. PYT! Oh, this is so fun. Dude, he BUSTED OUT with PYT! That was awesome. I hope the sympathy voters hitch their ride to this star and not the previous one. Go Paula- get down! Hard not to- really, this song rocks. The other guys are totally jealous right now. Chip: "He's been in front of a few worship services." Just like Kevin Paige! Also, ahem, this performance was better than just Gokey! Like Okay!? Anyone? Blog five!!!

You should know, I am just not going to be listening to all four judges every time. I'll listen to Simon, possibly Paula just to laugh, but I can't do it. I mean, that's 52 judges comments TONIGHT. Not gonna happen. Whatever - Simon just said that he is like Michael McDonald - a white man with soul. That led to a bunch of Michael McDonald impressions all over the country.

Roughneck: He was an oil rigger? A roughneck? You don't say! Eh. He's pleasant. Simon, again, with the money quote! "I just wish we knew what you did for a living." Yeah, Simon stole my joke. At this point, I think Paula's outfit is a knockoff of something Bjork wore at the Ice Capades. Brenda Warner is on line 2, calling to see where she bought that.

Jasmine: Cute black girl with Memphis connections. She is cute, but she has 270 degrees of vision - her eyes are so far apart. She has no blind spots while driving. When she gets pink eye, it doesn't spread to the other eye. "Let's go down South now." Tunica! Seriously- her family is GORGEOUS. That is the thing we remember the most about her, even from her very first audition. Chip would consider leaving me for that one sister, I think. Jasmine sings I'll Be There, a song that came out 70 years before she was born. Chip thinks this song is too big for her, before she even starts. Predicts that she'll go the Mariah route. Chip, with the shocking knowledge of pop music! Carrie had to tell me that Mariah did a version of this. This is a little pitchy for me. But really, she's such a doll! Oooh, Randy with the Mariah name drop. Well played, sir. Carrie doesn't like her shoes. Meow!

Kris Allen: Didn't someone by that name date Clooney? OK, he's cute, the guitar is cute, he sounds fine. He will get the J-Rich vote. Jason Richardson? Are Suns fans big AI watchers? Maybe shouldn't have shown us his wife, though. Yeah - he seems to be married to a chick in a scarf. They totally are active in Young Life. Chip: "Dude- he's kind of relevant! Could be douching it up like Jason Mraz!" Ouch - I am not a fan, but a comparison to Jason Mraz is kind of harsh. Yep. He sings a song that can apparently only be sung out of the right side of his mouth. Kara: "A whole other side of you." Yes! Not a whole nother! We sadly made this exact same comment, 700 miles away from you two. Simon- agrees with me about the wife! Randy- agrees with Chip about Mraz, heir to the Massingill fortune! Dude- we should be judges on this show! We're a great team. Kara notes that he helped the other contestants - odds are, it was by "saving" them.

Alone- It's just like, it's just like, a (Mexican) mini-mall! I said that it was the Mega Lo Mart. What's this song now? Um, is it Give It To Me, or Given To Me? I want to say the first, because it is funnier. I like her, I really do. Carrie likes her "rockin' attitude". Don't know this song at all, though. She should be doing Dirty Diana instead. But really, I like her. Carrie says that she should stop talking - then Paula totally motions for her to zip her lip. Nice.

Anoop! Anoop - totally tried out for this show as a joke, and now he can't get out of it. Chip: "Anoop shall COME again." That turns me on a little. Plus, if I met him, I would be like, Freida Pinto - I would wreck that chick. OK, I love Anoop. I'm letting the whole "Tarheel" thing slide. He's working the crowd, rocking the Members Only jacket- I love him. I wish I had been in the fraternity with him - oh, wait, UNC - maybe not so much. OK, I wish he was my drinking buddy when I was in my early 20s. Simon rocked Paula's world by making her go first. Oooh, negative from Paula! Wow. Simon is right about how it wasn't aggressive enough, but I still love Anoop. The judges totally don't get the joke. Ryan with his mom and nana is about the cutest thing I've ever seen.

Jorge- if I'm Hillary, I'm going with this and not Jackson. Just to be clear. It is a first name. JK - we get to meet Jackson sometime between now and the 23rd! Oh, I love when English is subtitled. Yes - it is a way of "othering", like when they subtitled on the Children of Appalachia 20/20. We can understand them! It is English! This is nice, the accent adds a little something to the song. Carrie - "so many eyebrows in tonight's episode". His voice is fine, but I am just not a fan. We actually fast forwarded. Simon is on fire! Jorge: "I'm not gonna sing Bad by Michael Jackson." Simon: "You kind of did." You know, my least favorite part of AI is when you can actually see someone's heart break, like Jorge's did when Simon said that. Jorge already seems on the verge of tears at all times.

Tattoo Sleeve- Okay, she is soooooo cute. And Shannon's right- I'm sure anything goes with her, with that tattoo and all. She is ridiculously hot. Seriously - she is already divorced, has a kid, and has tattoo sleeve. A note of advice for the next guy who dates her - when you have been together with her for a while, and you two are drinking, and you start talking about sexual fantasies, and she coyly asks you what your sexual fantasy is - dude, you probably can shoot for the moon here. This is the moment you have waited for your whole life. Nothing, I mean nothing, is off the table. You can probably go a little less Princess Leia in the gold bikini and a little more 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Her brother is her best friend! Me too! Aw! But her brother is apparently a 21 year old Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Utah, huh. I can't believe Utah hasn't kicked her out yet. BTW - I googled her, and there is apparently a porn star named Megan Joy. Another +1 in the WIN column. Dude- Mom. MILF. Her mom is a total MILF. Carrie said that before I could say it. What a hot family- too bad brother got fat. I think she's crying about her son because she feels guilty about how much fun it is to be away from him. Oh, just kidding Connor! Chip and I do her little dance all the time, BTW. I think it freaked out the people in the gas station the other night. OK, I like this. It's fun, she's cute, she sounds good, different, interesting. She's relevant for sure. But yeah, she is awesomely hot. Did she just caw at the end of that? WTF? There is a part of the song when she sings "every little swallow", and it totally worked in an NLP kind of way for me. Anyway, Chip can't get over how hot she is, and I can appreciate that. He thinks she should not worry about singing and just model- and he even liked her singing okay! We actually thought it was pretty cheesy! But yeah, I can't get over teh hawtnass. If something does happen to Carrie now since I made that unfortunate Gokey joke earlier, I have my backup ready to go.

*PS - really, if you are an older reader of this blog and are someone that I know or am related to, if you didn't get a joke from those last 2 paragraphs, just let it go. Seriously.

Gay- Hey - he climbed Mt. Everest! Wait, that was the second guy. OK, take those gross earring things out now before your ears are stretched beyond all recognition. Hate that shit. Unless it is in Incubus! OK, he's okay, but I don't love him as much as everyone else seems to. I think he forgot the words on one part. But wow, this is terrible. Over the top and terrible - Carrie is covering her face. What a horrible song choice too. I think he'll rock on 80's metal night, though. (Seriously though- when are they going to have one? That would rule! And be so challenging for the singers!) I have to say, I appreciate Paula's whole thing about letting each performer "take it all in." This really is his moment, and each of their moment- first time on the big stage, first time being cheered like this by a big crowd, etc. Wait, the judges think he's that good? I don't know about all that. The judges really liked that? Really? That was one of the 10 worst performance ever possibly. I don't get it.

Matt G: Kalamazoo in the house! They have a ping pong table in the garage - odds are, they have a pool table in the basement also, along with a bar they built with a keg fridge (with Bell's in it) and a dart board nearby. At least one person in his family owns a Red Wings starter jacket, and most of the people he went to high school with ended up at Western because either their applications were rejected by State, or they just wanted to save money by living at home. Matt has a much older brother who has a mullet and plays defenseman in an over-40 hockey league. Wait, is his mom black? I didn't know. Justin Timberlake is so jealous right now. I think she is just Michigan. But I think maybe that counts against him- it worked better when he was the funky white guy. (But come on, we've seen Lynn's hair- JT has a brotha somewhere on his mom's side.) Anyway, I like him- I hope he doesn't suck. He doesn't! He sings Human Nature - swish! Maybe that is the MJ song I would have chosen. I loved it, because that song makes me happy anyway. Good- I liked that. Chip did too. Chip thinks he lost a little control at the end, but overall was awesome. He likes him too. If he goes home early, then Carrie and I will lobby Frank and Hillary to stop by his piano bar on the way out to South Haven the next time we all go. Ah, Western Michigan. The home of Dutch settlers and a lot of Republicans.

Memphis 2: Memphis opens and closes the show! Hell yes again! I could tell by the external shot that her house is in Cordova. Dirty Diana! Suck it, Alone! Oh yes, she is rocking this. Damn she is skinny! And a little hot too. Seriously- the Memphis girls rule. I don't even think I'm biased. (BTW- man there are a lot of words in this song!) She totally went for it and nailed it. We liked her performance. Chloe has the same shirt her daughter is wearing- Old Navy in the house! Oh, shut up Simon. Oh crap- why did they screw her like that on the numbers? It isn't fair that she gets cut off since they are short on time. Also, when she is over the top, it is a bad thing, but when Lambert does it it is a good thing? Even though she sang well and Lambert was the gawd awful?

Chip: I have to say, I thought this season was going to be weak, be Lil and everyone else, but this show was jumpin off tonight. Was much better than I thought. It is still Lil and everyone else, but the gap wasn't as large we all thought. That's what she said.

OK, at this point in the season, it's hard to separate who was best from who I'm pulling for. Yeah, at this point, I don't care really. I just don't want Lil or hotness to go home yet. So I think the best two girls were Lil and Alone, but I voted for Alexis too. Plus I like Tattoo Sleeve. Guys, I think Robert Downey Wdr. was actually great. Silky Sullivan's was good too. Anoop is my man, so I like him even though he wasn't one of the best. I just didn't like Gay as much as everyone else- sorry about that. I think at this point, it's more about who I'd like to see go. Blind, Roughneck, Jorge, borderline Miss'ippi and Mormon. Any of those 5 would be fine by me.

Wooohooooo! I love American Idol! And I love recapping!