Worst Christmas Songs

Now that I got the best songs out of the way, it is now my turn for a list of the worst. A quick google search reveals a bunch of songs I don't know by John Denver, Destiny's Child, and Cindi Lauper. Also, I am apparently one of the few people who likes Dominick the Donkey. (I did see one list with TSO on it, which is asinine. I will never speak with that blogger again.) Here is a brief list of the songs that I hate and will turn when they come on the radio.

Honorable Mention - apparently Jesus Takes the Wheel is a Christmas song, but I don't think so. Also, Bruce Springsteen - I don't hate it, although the laughing is annoying. Plus, any version of the 12 Days of Christmas - much more fun to sing than to listen to. It is the Christmas version of 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall. There are tons of Christmas songs that I turn off when they come on, but there are very few that I actually hate.

12) John (Cougar?) Mellencamp, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - I just don't like it. The end is cheesy, and the way he skips a beat between "kissing" and "Santa" annoys me. There, I said it.
11) The Little Drummer Boy - Really, any version of this song sucks. The one exception is the David Bowie/Bing Crosby version. Then again, it doesn't count because Bowie's people added the good part to show off his voice. As for the normal song, it just rubs me the wrong way.
10) That country version of that one Christmas song. Wait - I mean, any country version of any Christmas song. I am sure there are exceptions, but good God I hate country music. If country music were a sport, it would be NASCAR - not really a sport. In the same way that country music isn't really music.
9) Gene Autry, Santy Claus is Coming to Town - Blasphemy, I am sure, since it is in Vacation. But, it is combining the secular and religious aspects of the holiday in a wrong way. "Hang your stockings and say your prayers" is annoying, but the worst part is "Santa knows we're all God's children, that makes everything right. So let's give thanks to the Lord above that Santy Claus comes tonight." I don't know - I like my Christmas songs to be about Jesus OR Santa, not both.
8) The entirety of the new Josh Groban album - You know, one day I might meet Josh Groban and he turns out to be good people. Until then, I will continue to physically hate him. He sings that Popera crap that people who aren't good enough to make it in opera actually go into. His album is getting tons of airplay, and my eyes hurt from rolling every time he comes on the radio. Ugh.
7) Johnny Mathis, We Need a Little Christmas - good God this version is terrible! I mean, the song is cheesy and all, and Johnny Mathis is cheesy and all, but ne'er the twain should meet! He is over the top bad on this one - I didn't even know this version existed until a couple of weeks ago. Just some terrible stuff - it makes me like his Sleigh Bell less, it is so bad!
6) Dean Martin, Rudy the Red Nosed Reindeer - I know, it is wrong to put Dean Martin on a list of bad things, but it is like he is trying to hard to "hep" up this song or something. Rudy? Really? First of all, every time I get in the car now, I hear a version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I do like the song, but it is overplayed at this point. But the use of "Rudy" just makes it bad. "Rudy" is something that should be associated with asshole colleges and terrible actors, not Christmas.
5) Paul McCartney, Wonderful Christmastime - every list has this song on it. I actually don't hate it, I just don't want all the other bloggers to dislike me. OK, the electronic noises or whatever are just silly. For good noises like that, go to the Elton John song I put in my favorites.
4) Mannheim Steamroller - really, anything by them. They are like the 80s version of TSO, only it didn't work and wasn't cool. It has zero emotion and is just tacky - something that Patrick Bateman would dig.
3) Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer, sung by some guy - This piece of crap reminds me of every "comedian" who goes on morning radio and sings a song that is supposed to be funny, but is really 3 minutes of one joke set to music. The punchline is usually delivered the first time the chorus comes around, and it can be slightly amusing, but the rest of the "song" is just a rehash of the joke that was already made. Then, you have to listen to the annoying morning show hosts over-laughing to the song, while all the while you are thinking, "I guess this is funny, but not THAT funny." Plus, what is funny about the death of a grandparent at Christmastime? Or ever, I guess. This song is terrible.
2) A Soldier's Silent Night - this is bound to be controversial, but if you can't tell, I am all about the controversy. Here is the thing - I support the troops, I really do. But this is just schlock. It is some old ass guy reading a "poem" set against some overly cheesy version of Silent Night. The lyrics basically involve Santa entering the tent of a soldier in the middle East. Here is my first problem - not that Santa wouldn't visit the troops (who are totally deserving and who I totally support, btw), but that he wouldn't know where he was. Like, he thinks he is in some normal house in America or something, and is surprised to find out that he is Afghanistan. Me, I like to think Santa has planned things out a little better than that. Then, the lyrics go on to basically say that the soldier is totally awesome (which he is, btw). The song doesn't support the troops as much as deify them. Yes, they are totally deserving of all our thanks, but writing a poem about Santa freakin' crying when he meets a soldier? I don't know - it is all too "Proud to be an American" for my tastes. Like, it was written to call me unpatriotic because I am against the war and speak out against it. Not that I am saying that if you cry when you hear the song that there is something wrong with you or anything. It is just that the song that was written to force us to remember the troops at Christmastime is in itself very manipulative and self important. I will support the troops my own way, which does not involve listening to some old ass man get choked up talking about some scenario involving Santa and a soldier that he just made up. Sorry - I just really hate the "song". Luckily, about 5 people read this blog or I would get beaten up for thinking this. (I also hate Proud to be an American - not a good song. Toby Keith can suck it.)

Now that that is off my chest, it is obvious what number 1 is. How to attack it, that is a more difficult issue.

1) Christmas Shoes - Really, the lowest moment in the history of this nation was not only the writing of this POS, but the fact that it makes old women get all weepy. First of all, it is manipulative - some story that some dude wrote in order to get old women to cry. It is also a parody of itself. I refuse to believe that this is a band that sings other songs - I think it is Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
The thing that bothers me the most about the song is that the guy says that the situation of a child's mom dying at Christmastime gives him the opportunity to do a good deed and feel good about himself for doing it. This is not a situation that should result in any joy. A child is losing his mother on Christmas Eve, and nothing good can come of that. You shouldn't feel good because of it. It is, in actuality, something which should not put you in the Christmas mood. To be selfish enough to think that "God had sent that little boy tooooooo remind me what Christmas is all about" takes selfishness to a level that would make Meredith Grey blush. (Then again, I watched one last night where a paramedic dies while his wife looks on, and somehow she makes that situation about her. Incredible.)
Not only is he losing one parent, but his dad let the kid leave the house to go buy shoes for her with money that the family doesn't have, and probably can't afford to spend on something like shoes that will be worn once. Now, if my wife was dying, I would probably want the kids there. I mean, if our boy was like, "I want her to look good when she dies, so let's dress her up and go buy her some good shoes", I would be like, "that is a sweet gesture son, but we are poor to the point where you haven't showered in a few days. Why don't we spend your mother's last night here with her, and use that money to pay the water bill, or for food, or for some clothes that we can wear after she dies?" I wouldn't be like, "great idea - go buy her some shoes that she can wear when we bury her. Hurry up - she is about to die at any moment. If she doesn't get those shoes in time, then it is your fault that Jesus won't think she is pretty!" That is a lot to put on a child, and I worry about his home life after she dies, because the father is clueless.
Then, the singing of the kid at the end - dude, that is just cheesiness at a level rarely achieved in today's society. Ugh. It is like, "hey old women - if you aren't crying yet, then here is the kid singing the refrain! Cry, bitches, cry!"
The most amazing part of the song is that people like it and request it! They made a book, a movie, and sequels for both! Rob Lowe left the West Wing to star in the movie!

So there it is - I really don't hate the troops, I hate the people who do empty gestures such as writing songs or putting a magnet on their cars. But I do hate the Christmas Shoes with every fiber of my being. And I hate you for requesting it.