Crossroads

Let me take a break from the 100 list and embarrassing Carrie by discussing my poo (at this point, it is my only motivation) to talk about a scene from a movie. When I was in high school, I played guitar. Not as well as my friend Jim, who went on to get several degrees in guitar and put out his own CD, but enough that I worshiped the guitar gods and all. Eddie Van Halen, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Eric Johnson, George Lynch, etc. Well, in 1986 before he was famous, Steve Vai had a cameo in a movie called Crossroads, where he kicked ass and somehow lost a contest to Ralph Macchio. This is the scene, and I need to discuss it, because it really bothers me to no end. Here are some thoughts about the scene:

0:01 - Karate Kid is at some shack in the middle of nowhere to compete against the devil's guitar player in order to win back some old dude's soul from devil. See, the old guy had lost it years before and is like dying or something stupid, and wants to get it back. Ralph puts his own soul up if he loses, and they get the old guy's soul back if they win.
0:07 - Miles Dyson. If you guys aren't watching the new Terminator TV show, you are missing out.
0:15 - Ralph is like, "can't play none? Suck it." Then he basically air guitars the scene while Ry Cooder actually plays his part.
0:29 - This smiley MF is the devil. Just a heads up.
0:45 - Holy mother of all things holy, it is frickin' Steve Vai, son!!! Now, little Stevie Vai is going to play a composition on the guitar. He wrote it all by himself!
PS - I want to cuss a lot here, but everyone and their mom literally reads what I write. Plus, I got 6 hits on my blog from Illinois. Who is that?
0:55 - No hands! Steve Vai can kick Karate Kid's ass just grabbing the whammy bar!
1:02 - God bless him, Steve Vai is giving some acting faces here. He has no speaking part - the guitar does the talking. (I wrote this song for all my friends - when I grow up, I'm gonna be a famous rock and roll guitar player.)
1:20 - Ralph is so cute here. Some of the music actually occasionally syncs up with his hand motions on the guitar. Plus, it is 1986, so Ralph Macchio is like 37.
1:27 - The devil's smile begins to fade, because Ralph can answer Vai's power chords? Really - if he didn't think he could match that first part, then there is extreme overconfidence on his part.
1:43 - A lot of awesome kick ass overacting on Steve Vai's part here - plus, they are trading one note at a time. Even I could keep up so far.
1:48 - Holy shit, Macchio almost messes up answering ONE NOTE!
2:17 - Vai is starting to take it up a notch with his long ass fingers.
2:26 - Macchio doesn't even try to sync up with Ry Cooder here.
2:37 - Vai starts playing before the guitar strap is around his neck. Good job there, editing.
2:38 - Vai, bitches.
2:45 - So, what Vai just did, Macchio doesn't even come close to answering. He doesn't even try. Maybe this is what Vai should do at the end...
2:46 - The dancing chick. This movie was obviously written by a white dude, because black chicks don't start getting down after some guitar hero does a bunch of runs.
2:57 - I think this chick is the same one who danced for Jabba in his palace before he fed her to the Rancor.
3:13 - Old dude comes up with the harmonica, and plays a bunch of crap with Ralph Macchio. Here, I could play any of what either one of them is playing. What Vai did a half a minute ago - he is ahead easy 2-0 right now.
3:33 - What Vai does with the guitar here, I used to emulate all the time. It was in my high school repertoire. And it is no big deal. But I give him a point for it.
3:39 - Beginning of a Vai guitar solo here where he earns at least 5 points. I think there is the beginning of a solo off Eat 'Em and Smile in here too. (Tobacco Road?)
3:54 - Macchio's solo here is the definition of cute. Like, congratulations, you answered bad-ass with suck-ass. Go buy some cologne.
4:04 - Vai looks worried here? Is this the director of this film trying to sell to the audience that what Macchio is doing is somehow comparable?
4:09 - Sweet spin move, Stevie. For the love of God!
4:10 - Easily my favorite moment of this whole thing. Vai's spin move has moved old dude into some defensive position, with his hands out and palms flat. But, in an effort to recover and not look like he was just intimidated by the devil's guitarist, he makes his hands into fists and does something like the white man dance! Smooth dude - the devil really did take any soul you had, didn't he?
4:16 - That lick was right out of Just Like Paradise! PS - Just Like Paradise and Dreams by Van Halen were my favorite 2 songs ever for the years 1987-1993. Before I discovered Don't Fear the Reaper and Wonderful Tonight, and eventually Bela Fleck. Maybe I should have saved that for the 100 list.
4:20 - The first moment I can even give Ralph credit for. The score is like 11-1 now.
4:37 - I have chills right now, because Steve Vai is about to earn a clean 20 points. Seriously - watch the kickassitude of this solo.
4:59 - Holy crap, he picks up his guitar by the whammy bar and puts it in Ralphie's face! PWN3D!!!
5:07 - Old dude knows it is over. He feels bad. Only some messed up scoring going forward can even this out. Everything that Vai has put up to this point, Macchio has lost the comeback. At no point so far has Macchio gotten the best of Vai. All Macchio can do here is try to match that.
5:18 - Macchio's character in this movie plays classical guitar at some school, but he really wants to play the blues. However, at this moment, his blues isn't enough to beat the rock guitar, so he reverts to some classical shit. He wins with this crap. If you are scoring at home, this movie makes the point that classical > rock > blues, when it is actually trying to make the opposite point. FAIL
5:42 - Note that the whole sound of his guitar changes at this point.
5:55 - Wow, Steve Vai is young in this movie.
6:24 - Macchio ends by hitting a really high note. It is actually some really high note - Vai has hit higher notes so far by using pinch harmonics, but he won't be able to hit this magic note that Macchio just hit.
BTW - that really was an awesome solo. Good job Ry Cooder. However, wasn't that just Macchio's answer to Vai's 20 point effort a minute ago? Why didn't he have to match Vai's solo, but Vai has to match this? Who is making these arbitrary rules here? Yes, Vai just got served, but he absolutely pwn3d Macchio a second ago - we are even-ish. At this point, Vai would still hold about a 5 second lead going into the Eliminator if this were American Gladiators.
6:35 - Vai just up and starts playing this - he gets a point for that.
6:43 - He messes up here believably - like one would if they didn't know the music.
6:56 - He messes up here unbelievably - do your hands ever just fall off the guitar, or do you just play the wrong note? Ugh.
7:09 - Painful that he can't hit that note. Too bad he doesn't know that there are other ways to hit that high of a note on the guitar other than trying to go beyond the 24th fret. Oh wait, he has played higher notes about 12 times thus far. Ugh.
7:21 - I wonder if I look this awful when I try to give a sexy look. (Nope - I got those bedroom eyes. I am teh seXXay!!)
7:33 - Don't drop that shit! It isn't over - he wasn't able to play any of the stuff you played, now you conveniently forgot how to play guitar and it is over? Get back out there! You were one of the G3 guys!
8:04 - Devil tears up the contract.
8:06 - Ralph Macchio says "Devil just come on back if you ever wanna try again. I done told you once you sonuvabitch I'm the best there's ever been."

There it is - every guitar player in the late 80s/early 90s had a copy of this movie on tape that they kept fast forwarded to that scene. I mean, I guess that Vai chose to play exactly the same thing that Macchio did and couldn't so he lost. But, up until that point, Macchio had been kicking field goals while Vai was scoring touchdowns - I just don't get why he lost. Maybe if I watched You Got Served, I would better understand the rules of these head-to-heads. Until then, I will just remain puzzled as to why Vai lost this thing.

PS - one last Vai clip. Nice pants suit with shoulder pads! Is that from the Luann Van Houten collection?