Nieces and Nephews

I wanted to do a blog post about all the kids that I got to see over the 2 weeks we spent in Memphis. The thing is, I really don't want to make it sentimental because I madly love them all - I want to be funny somewhat. Herein lies the challenge - I don't want to offend or hurt feelings or anything. So watch me straddle this line with confidence! The important thing to remember is that we really had our best trip to Memphis in some time, maybe ever, and we do love all the kids. (Although on New Years Day, I maybe could have gone without, but it was just karma getting me back for my behavior the night before.)

Some things to take note of - first of all, we have collective names for family members - grandparents, kids, parents, siblings, cousins, etc. - how come there are no collective names for aunts and uncles like that? Or, nieces and nephews? Secondly, I have the unique view that most of you used to have but don't anymore - that of someone who doesn't have kids yet. Also, I think babies are kinda cute, but really kinda ugly - I think it is uphill until they hit puberty and get zits. I mean, they are all little miracles, yadda yadda, you cried when they were born and I will understand when I have one of my own, etc. Point being, I no longer rate them in terms of cuteness (I never really did). They are all cute now that they aren't babies - they actually look a little different from one another. Also - I apparently really, really like to use dashes when writing.

PS - I also would totally race kids if I had them. So, with each kid, I will put where they would finish in the race.

Connor - (second) - I start here because he is blood and the oldest, so the first of the next generation of my family. This trip was great because Connor sure loved his Uncle Shannon, and that just meant the world to me. Although, I did almost kill him, or at least permanently scar him - in a chase around the downstairs, Connor did not negotiate a turn well enough and his forehead hit the door frame at full speed. But, he didn't even cry! (I think all in all, the whole thing scared me the most!) I was very proud of him - not as proud as when he tried to punch the neighborhood cat who tried to scratch his little sister a month or two ago, but still. Also, in a show of love that he will only appreciate when he is older, I got under the covers with him to read his book. This was only difficult for me because it was about 85 degrees in his room and we were under 3 covers, at least one of which was down. Who knows why he sweats so badly at night? I can't wait to get him up here and take him to the Big House to watch his future alma mater. (PS - he would be the clear cut second here in the race. There can be no debate.)

Chloe - (sixth) - Chloe is at the age where she could kill the cat and we would all say how cute it was. Really, everything she says and does at this point is the cutest thing ever. And I am not being sarcastic. One of the highlights of the trip for Mom - Chloe has her Mimi (Chip's Mom) and her Grammy (Steph's Mom). For some reason, she called both of them Mimi, leading to an existential crisis for poor ole Grammy. Finally, over sushi one night, Chloe was able to blurt out "Grammy" much to everyone's delight. Another thing - she just figured out my name, so it was fun to hear her say it each time. Chloe has sleepy eyes, which makes me think her real father comes from Steph's most obscure and specific top 5 list. PS - Chloe eats everything. She is one of us - I hope she doesn't inherit my belly. (She finishes sixth because she would be inspired to follow her brother, but she just doesn't have the wheels yet. Give it time.)

Ashton - (fourth) - Ashton has always been the ladykiller because of his unnatural cuteness. However, he is totally at that age where he is too old to just like whoever picks him up, and too young to want to play ball or whatever. As a guy without kids, this is the hardest age - it was difficult to figure out Connor at that age, and Ashton is there right now. I know that he is about a year or two away from being wanting to go outside and play ball and hopefully thinking his Uncle Shannon is pretty awesome. But I need to see him again at some point soon, because the last I saw him this trip, he was extremely tired, and the last thing he did was hit me in the mouth when I went to hug him bye! (You will be able to see why he was 4th and not 3rd by the end of this thing.)

Christopher - (seventh) - Chris and I bonded really well when he was really young, so I am always somewhat guilty of playing favorites with him. But still, when he saw me for the first time this trip, he smiled and held out his arms for me, and he isn't quite 2 yet, so that was just awesome for me. He even cried when I was holding him and put him down, and stopped when I picked him back up. That sure makes an Uncle feel special! Chris also rarely cries, so that makes it a lot of fun to play with him. The next time we see him, he will probably be more at the gibberish stage. (Chris just moves slowly and takes in the world, but I put him ahead of other kids here because of his size - he would knock them down. That is how he rolls.)

Deez Nuts - (Drew - first, Megan - fifth, Nathan - last) - You know how I said before that babies are mostly ugly? It doesn't apply to Nathan, who is the spitting image of his older brother. Seriously - can you have twins that far apart? (It would probably be better to say Drew is more handsome than cute, since he is taller than I am.) I really want Drew and Connor to be good friends, especially because Connor might enjoy having an older brother figure like that. I know I always liked hanging out with kids a year or two older - made me feel cool. That, and if they hung out more, then we wouldn't have to do as much driving around when we were in town. Drew is about 6'5 at this point - I think he could buy beer and not get carded. I think his dad already taught him how to drive a stick shift. Tonight I was putting away the Christmas tree (that's right) and I saw an ornament that Drew had done for us a couple of years back - I don't know why you all don't have your kids do stuff like that. You know we will put anything on the tree with any remotely sentimental value! Megan is funny because she fully didn't know how to react to me, so it was a lot of her looking at me and making eye contact, then backing slowly away. Like most everyone in the world does. (Drew wins the race because he is the oldest and has legs that are longer than any of his fellow racers are tall, Megan beats Chloe based on age alone and Chris because he still has that baby walk thing which is hi-larious, and Nathan gets last because, well, let's be honest here, a crawl isn't gonna win, place, or show in this heated of a competition. Don't worry - in another couple of years, he will move up the list.)

Charlie Palmer - (eighth) - We only got to see Charlie for a couple of hours. But, we were excited because when we went to wine country this year, we went to his restaurant! So, I made a point to save a menu for Charlie to bring home over the holidays, and we forgot to bring it of course. But later, I realized that I actually had brought it because all my stuff from the California trip was still in my bag. So in summary, I got something for the Palmers, forgot it, but then realized that I had accidentally not forgotten it, but then still didn't get it to the right hands in time. Charlie has a really cute wide eyed thing that makes him look like one of the kindergartners on South Park. (Charlie is still pretty young, and I think Chris' funky baby walk and his determination would overtake Charlie for seventh place.)

And finally - let me just say that most of the kids have started to become very independent, but one has lagged very far behind in terms of development, and we are worried. That last niece/nephew (again, no collective term?) is:


Shelby - (third) - In the book I got from Jackie, it dispelled the myth that 1 human year equals 7 dog years, noting that dogs can live to be 20 while humans don't generally live to 140. Well, they also pointed out that a 1 year old dog is equivalent to a 16 or 17 year old human in terms of development. Shelby is, what, over a year or two old, making BB (or beebee, or byby, or bebe, I don't know how to spell it) like the equivalent to 20 years old or something - what 20 year old still sleeps with their parents? Creepy. I mean, how would you feel if you came over to watch the game and your best friend had his 20 year old come and crawl under a blanket in his lap to take a nap? Apparently Cullen wants to be a mom, while I want to be a dad - we only did it right half the time! Also, Shelbyby hates me like a fat kid hates the opposite of cake. But then again, all dog hates me (including your moms). I will say, it does make me feel good that Cullen takes such good care of the dog - he will be a good dad some day probably. Maybe a little creepy and all, but still. (Shelby gets third in the race, because of the really short legs. Connor could totally outrun him some BB, and Ashton would make it close.)

There it is. You might say that I was a little hard on your kids, but I would just laugh at you because you said "a little hard on". Steph - you can't give me crap for putting Drew ahead of Connor, because I literally watched them race at the Stanfill's house, and Drew clearly won. I did think all of the kids were cute and fun, and I really can't wait to see them all again. Also, let me take one of the last opportunities to say that we can still go out on weekend nights without a sitter. Ha!