Luke Menard - Choose Life. Eli Stone. Where do I go with this one? - oh, they show a picture of him in a dress, then he does a George Michael song. He needs to leave. Paula starts and stops 14 different sentences here. The transcript of her analysis would read like a Bush speech. Simon is like, please leave dude.
Archuletta - He was funny with Ryan. Does a Phil Collins song for some reason. He is good, and will win - not much to say here. Why Phil Collins though? Is Simon trying to start the backlash already?
Danny Noriega - Mentions a "crush" - dude, just say "the guy you liked" - none of us are expecting anything else. Comes out workin' it. Tainted Love - you made it your own, dog. But were still very, very gay. He is the "bright light" in this competition, according to Paula, but she is otherwise completely incoherent. Simon hated it, because he hates the gay.
Gay stripper - His embarrassing moment was leaked to the press this week, but he doesn't mention it. Instead he gay strips "Gay Stripper" by gay stripper. Randy thinks he was a gay stripper for 3 years. Paula says, "stray gipper". Simon gay stripper that gay stripper gay stripper gay stripper. Gay, stripper, gay stripper gay. Stripper gay stripper gay, "stripper gay stripper gay stripper" - gay stripper!
Michael Johns - His embarrassing moment was the time 4 guys jumped him and kicked his ass? That sounds more like your most traumatic moment. He does the Simple Minds dance, while making sweet, sweet love to the microphone. Simon says he was like one of the girls, which is what I said about Noriega. Paula "The day I'm your sister, the day is I will leave the country." - ?
David Cook - Carrie: "Your sister loves him for some reason." Does some Lionel Richie, making us like him more. Outrageous! Carrie: "He is winning me over." Lionel Richie - what a bad parent! But, Cook wins the night for us. Just awesome stuff, really. Simon ALMOST says that Lionel Richie was at Whole Foods buying carrots, which would literally have been the funniest thing I would have ever heard. I LOL'd anyway.
Castro - Embarrassing moment was that time he was like, dude, and some dude was all like, aaagghh! OMG - I was so messed up! Dude - that was sweet dude. He pussies some song, but is pretty good I guess. Carrie gets all worked up - loves this kid. (Dude - what is up with Paula's cleavage? What is up with Paula? Does she always have to be on pain pills? Are they promoting House? Even Randy is like, shut up you drug addled whorebag!)
Chikeze - Likes to use womens' restrooms. Sings "She Fills Me Up", and the lyrics are very emasculating. He ends on a bad note. Paula - holy crap! Spit it out woman - I mean, the pills - spit them out! Simon calls it cabaret, but would you hear this song at a cabaret?
Chikeze and Luke are out. Not outed, like Hernandez.
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3 comments:
Luke- It's a good thing he's pretty.
Archuleta- He continues to blow us away. I continue to inexplicably hate him. Simon? He's just picking up on the backlash I've already started. It's just that I hate to think the competition is over already, you know?
Danny- I thought he was great. Interesting arrangement, fun song. He's fun.
Gay stripper- Really, I'm with Shannon. It's all we could think about, starting with the unfortunately timed "embarassing moment" thing. Then he sings CELINE, so we're like, did he strip to this? Then the microphone picks up Simon urging Randy to "tell him you like how he stripped it down!" and we ROTFL. OMG! He was good though, but still. Hahahahaha!
Michael Johns- On the bed, on the floor, on a towel by the door! In the bed, in the car, up against the mini bar!
David Cook- Suck it, Carrie! He totally won the night for both of us. We rewound and listened again, all the way through Simon's comments and Whole Foods story. It all needed a second listen. My first rewind of the season! I voted for him and Michael, multiple times. Mmmmm, Michael multiple times. . .
Castro- OK, you probably know I can't handle the dreads, but have I told you the story? I was watching a What Not to Wear about a month ago, and it was a chick with dreadlocks, and when Nick sawed them off- wait, let me compose myself- all this like dirt and dust and stuff (*) was just everywhere, and I literally gagged (as I did here * just recounting the story). And the gagging is funny and all, because for some reason nothing makes Chip laugh more than when someone gags. So imagine his enjoyment last night when Castro told that story last night and I started gagging! At a restaurant? People are trying to eat! The chick he was on a date with must be nasty. So although he did a great job with a great song, it's now officially over between me and Jason.
(Shudder)
Chikezie Eze- He sang that song in his initial audition- why did the judges act surprised to hear it? Eh. I hope he goes home (with Luke, of course) because I lurve all the rest of the guys. Honestly- the top six guys are my top six period. I dread the girls tonight!
I actually said to Chip that if someone wrote a transcript of Paula's comments tonight they would read like Miss Teen South Carolina. I try not to think about W! But seriously- she was bat shiat tonight.
Also, Shannon, your bronchitis did not make this recap painful to read in the way it made the girls (even more)painful to listen to in week one. Bravo!
Luke Menard – How wrong was that? I was simply terrible. I think he would have had a better chance if he sang “Careless Whisper.” He’s for sure gone tomorrow night.
Archuletta – He was good but he didn’t blow me over like he has in previous weeks.
Danny Noriega – Almost hated it. He cracks me up, though.
Gay stripper – Shannon, you so nailed it! You could see the avoidance in everyone’s eyes. It was just awful. And seriously, why in the hell did he do that song? With the line, “when I touch you like this” was him giving a lap dance in an animal print thong. Ick.
Michael Johns – Hello hotness. Loved the performance and the Michael Hutchance dancing.
David Cook – I totally dug that performance. I couldn’t help imaging the original video and some chick sculpting Lionel’s gargantuan head out of clay. It made me giggle.
Castro – I liked it but I don’t understand what Simon was all gah gah about.
Chikeze – He has a good voice but really, why that song? When I heard it was 80s night, I said, “great, that means all the girls are going to sing Whitney.” Little did I know, it would start here.
Correction:
Gay stripper – why in the hell did he do that song? With the line, “when I touch you like this,” all I could do was imagine him giving a lap dance in an animal print thong. Ick.
And Stephanie, I am in total agreement with the dreds. In high school, When I was 20, I thought they were hot. Now, I just think they're nasty. Maybe when he gets his top 12 makeover, he'll let them cut them off.
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