American Idol "Top" 9

This is their moment! This. . . is aMERican Idol!

The judges! Paula's outfit is ridiculous. Kara is perfection. As is Ryan, as always. Is it possible I don't know the theme? I didn't even know after the show was over. Something about downloads? How did I not look that up already? "Down to our top nine." As if that's anything to brag about! That's more than two more months of this crap! Only 2 months until SYTYCD! Aw, Simon thinks Ryan is amazing. They are adorable. In the movie version of their lives, they will be played by Jason Segal and Paul Rudd. Wait, what's that? You don't say! I was going to say that Simon and Paula are totally work husband and work wife, but Simon and Ryan are totally work BFFs. You know, the guy you get along great with at work, but only hang out with once or twice a year outside of work and work related functions.

OK, WTF does Allison have on? Is she really that wide? That is weird looking. Here we go- what is the theme, Ryan! Don't make me go to Google! Any song that's popular on iTunes? What does that even mean? Is this any song that is available for download? Isn't that like any song ever recorded? And also, who cares? They should always get to pick whatever they want! Yeah, I think this is about any song ever, with a sponsor shoutout to iTunes. Enough rope to hang themselves- it's a beautiful gift. To them, and to us. Steph - you sounded like Jacob from TWOP just then!

Anoop! Usher! This is fun already. I secretly love Usher. Why is Anoop wearing Michael Jackson's jacket? I thought maybe he was just dressing like an usher, until I found out that he was singing Usher. Why are the backup singers not as good this year? Why does this performance seem flat? The reason this performance seems flat is because it is actually flat. Is it because there's no choreography? No, because Anoop did this show on a dare and can't get out of it. I guess in my head I see choreography when I hear this song. I think that was good, though- I love Anoop, I loved when he sang My Prerogative. OK, Randy kind of agreed with me, which is weird- the vocals were great, but that song is a miss without the dancing. Kara said something gorgeous. I didn't hear it, I was distracted by her cute freckles. Why are those frat guys booing her? Dude - she was like, your frat brothers are here cheering you on because they dared you to even try out. Also, yes - cute freckles, although sometimes she makes really sour faces. Paula: ". . . blah blah balladeer." Chip: "Oooh, a big word!" Simon actually looks at the judges while Paula is talking and is like, WTF? Simon goes to the "complete and utter mess" card early tonight! He's right, the arrangement wasn't awesome. That headache business was harsh, though. Anoop totally is like, I would just like Kara to know that she can go eat a dick. I say it every week, though- Anoop is so cute! I love him- whatever. I know he wants to be an R&B artist, but how can that happen? I dunno- weird. I've spent too much time on Anoop. So have the judges - odds are, they rush whoever goes last so that they can go to this stupid Ozzy show coming up next.

Megan- Says she is going to do a Bob Marley/Lauren Hill song, which shows that she only knows the latter version and just now found out it was a remake. OMG! I got a text earlier (around 7:15) from Heather that said, "Bob Marley? Really?" I had no idea what she was talking about, but I just suddenly got it. Ha! Megan thinks the judges will feel her this time. I don't know what that means - I have been feeling her this whole time! She is my Stranger! Shannon just made a dirty joke. Yeah. Let me just say - I would not want her voice operating on me - it is shaky enough that it would nick an artery and cause my ears to bleed. Really, I wonder if she is nervous because the judges keep beating her up and she has zero confidence. OK, it's just a shame that she's not a good singer. Her pitch is a disaster. At least she looks the part this week, quirky, cute, etc. But my ears are bleeding. Jinx. It's like my senses are competing- the eyes are happy, but the ears and my nerves are hurting. Chip: "Was that a little 'muppet' at the end?" No, Kenneth, it wasn't. Kara is like, "boobooboo", and I think she forgot the last "b". Oh, and some guy totally just got asked to leave the building. Oooh, "indulgent." Our favorite Simon word! Also, Simon says, "The problem was, is that..." Chip: "With Sarver gone, I can't imagine anyone will be worse than that." Ouch.

Gokey. I pour my second glass of wine. What Hurts the Most (is listening to any song) by Rascal Flatts. I'll assume that's a rhetorical question. I'll take this opportunity to discuss Tropic Thunder, which I saw this week. Hilarious! Robert Downey Jr. was fantastic, then did the audio commentary for the DVD in character. Back to Gokey- he should have done a Michael Bolton song! Sounds just like him. That violin is out of tune, so I'll let that answer the titular question. I'm sure the judges are going to say things, but I just can't care. Wait- they loved it? I guess I can't see past Rascal Flatts. Thank you. I felt so bored by this song that I zoned out and thought about how I prefer sea salt over kosher salt on fresh heirloom tomatoes. He sings well and all, but he is totally Carrie's guy this year. Yeah, Danny's voice is fine. But still. I really have about 2 notes on Gokey - Chicago apparently loves Gokey, according to several signs, and he totally has a fan club up front to pick wife #2 from. (My wife #2 just performed a Bob Marley song, btw.)

Allison- Guitar! Don't Speak! Fun. Oh no- she "grew up" listening to this song. My old ass just cried a little. (PS - my "feeling old" story from the week came from mgoblog.com, where they had a picture of a recruit for next year's class posing in a Michigan helmet when he was 10 - this was from 2002.) I spent my 20's wishing Gwen and Tony would get back together. Then she married the hotness that is Gavin Rossdale. FTW! I saw a picture of their older son on people.com this week, and he is just gorgeous- looks just like dad. The women of the world are in trouble. Anyway, I love Allison. Me too, even though she has the nose of a bulldog. That was awesome, despite how silly she looks tonight. Oh damn, Randy. You didn't have to say it out loud! See, Kara said it better- you're 16, you're trying too hard with the look, but you don't have to. OH SNAP! Maybe I was just the only people who wasn't bothered by the outfit. It really just seems like something she would wear. I am surprised that Randy and Simon were that bothered by it that they commented on it over her singing. They are out to get her - at least Simon didn't draw on Paula instead of offering any actual feedback. Paula just said "axe." Hee! My notes read: "Paula - axe? Who wrote that for her?" I'm voting for Allison. Shut up, Simon. She's precocious because she's 16.

Blindy McGee- I have to say, I totally want to hang out with Scott. He is hilarious. Last week with the whole pink jeans thing, and when he wanted Ryan to give him a high five...he just seems very self aware for someone who we assume isn't as self aware because of the whole blind thing. I would rather go play Snood that actually have to watch his performance, but I like this kid and suddenly want him to do well! Chip wants to know if we can just skip him. Billy Joel! Of course! Oh, he wants to show his heart and emotion. As opposed to other weeks, when he showed us what a hard-core rocker he was. What, do you want him to run around the stage? Sitting at a piano for a piano song is his ceiling! There is a reason why Jeff Healy, Ronnie Millsaps, Stevie Wonder, and Ray Charles all come on The River 104.5 FM. His hair is worse than Allison's, let's say that first. My notes - "did his own hair this week". Secondly, oh man this sucks. Cheesy, off-key, hold up- is that chest hair? Ooof- this is horrible to see and hear. Please, America, stop voting for him just because of you-know-what. Yeah - I like him personally, but it might be time to go. Let Megan Joy stick around for as long as possible so I can file away as many mental images as I can in our limited time together. Paula, "Scott, let me just say, of all the contestants who have graced the stage. . ." you are the blindest. "I am proudest of you." Then she says another music word that was fed to her by a writer who is laughing right now. Paula - domo, arigato, Mr. Legato. (Legato is the opposite of staccato.) Really, next week someone needs to write "San Diego - go fuck yourself" to see if she would say it. Does she have an earpiece where someone is feeding her lines? Legato? Really? Chip points out that there is nothing at all contemporary or relevant about Scott. No producer in the world could make him relevant to today's music scene. Period. President Chip does not like blind people. If Matty G wins, then Scott can take his old job.

Matty G- The Fray. Ugh. Did you know that you can't spell "The Fray sucks infected monkey balls" without T-h-e-F-r-a-y? Think about it. Someone from the iTunes era! Good choice for him, I think. Well, if he wants to sing a suck song by a suck band. Why did he start playing over Ryan? Show some respect, son! That started rough, but then settled down. Cool, playing the keyboard out in the crowd. Chip thinks he's impersonating the guy. I hope not - that band The Fray sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen bands suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. I gotta go - my damn wiener kids are listening. I don't know- they have a similar tone though. I'm voting for Matty. I also want Matt G to do well. Just stop with this bad poppy stuff. They say One Republic, but they are terrible in the same vein as these other guys. I just like that he sang song from the past five years. Come on, people! It wasn't jumpin' off for Chip. Paula is stuttering at this point. Paula knows the lead singer of the Fray's name - someone did that research for her. But she is making a valid point. He does better with runs and JT-ish stuff than he does with Chris Coldplay/Fray/Douchey stuff.

Lil- Oh, is she singing I Surrender? Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is my Idol audition song! Do it Lil, please do it! I love this song way too much. Don't think less of me. OK, because I love this song so much, I know that Lil has missed most of the words. Also, this isn't doing it for me. Maybe she'll pull it out on the big finish, though. Not really. Wow - she really did not do a good job. Carrie shared that same sentiment, but I almost think she was hesitant because we both want her to do well. Kelly Clarkson knocked this song out of the park when she sang it, with the flu, back in season one. Lil did not. Ugh. I'll vote for her just to spite Coach Cal (please don't get me started on that), but I won't feel good about it. Paula's right, again! She shouldn't be adult contemporary, she should be R&B. Why does she always pick the wrong song? Yeah, when the judges started in on song choice again, it was like, ugh. Always! Maybe next week. . .

Robbie Rotten- again! Oh lordy. So did they have iTunes back in 1976? I don't really understand the theme, I think. I was very wrong. I think it was available for download for wedding DJs who like to play shitty music. I was hoping it would lead them to pick out contemporary songs. OK, he is a natural performer. I'll give him that. I can see where this is going to go over big with the crowd and the judges. Seriously? Not me. He sings a shitty joke of a song, and the fact that the judges are standing up and applauding him proves to me that I just don't get it. He is so screechy, annoying with his vocals - at least last week I could maybe see why people wouldn't think it was terrible. This week was laughably bad. If he wasn't a frontrunner, I would think every week that he might be going home. I don't hate him, I just don't get it. It is like Wilco, or Twitter, or Southern Baptist as a religion - I mean, I get that some people can like it, but is that really something to get this excited over? Seriously, they are saving their judges reversal for the week he accidentally gets sent home because his fan base gets lazy. Oh yeah. And it will happen. Except that teenage girls never get lazy on the phones! I want it to be in the finale when they save him. That was good, he's a good singer. Or, it was not good, and he is just a niche singer. I'm not going to vote for him or anything, but I'm not offended like I was with, say, Megan or Scott. I think he has bothered me in other weeks, but the fact that he sang a song that your 48 year old single uncle dances to drunkenly at a wedding made the praise really piss me off this time. Yeah Megan and Scott are objectively worse, but that is a terrible song! Hardly relevant! People would leave the radio on that song if it came on?

Cutie Patootie Kris- He's doing Anal Sunshine? Oh, Ain't No Sunshine. Congrats Kris - the 100th performance of this song on this show! Again, I'm confused about what this song has to do with iTunes. I guess someone downloaded it at some point? Yeah, it is a weird promotional tie in this week for sure. The iTunes week on AI is like when they had to make stuff with Quaker Oats on Top Chef. (Chip is stilllll laughing about the Butthole Surfers joke he just made.) Dude, Kris is on fire! Carrie says that this is a performance she will remember - I agree that it was his best. I like him this week- he might get his first ever Chockley vote! Chip: "He's a sleeper! He's so slick, never misses a note. . ." Yes, and he looks like that. Maybe the teenage girls will vote for him instead of Robbie Rotten! Yep, that was great, I now am on board the Kris train. Chip: "I dunno- I just like him better than Lambert." Exactly. I agree - I want to get excited about someone in this terrible, terrible season of Idol.

To recap- I really liked Kris, Allison and Anoop. For me, I say Kris was good this week, and Allison was also not bad. Megan is an embarrassment. She and Scott are the bottom two. Anything else would be a travishamockery. Let Lambert get the lowest number of votes. Seriously, let him play his immunity idol so the next time counts. I also voted for Matt and Lil out of loyalty, not out of tonight. Gokey is what we thought he was. And Lambert is the wild card. We just don't like him, but his performance was good. I wouldn't say that. We will never vote for him, but we can reluctantly see how he's the front runner. Not even objectively. I just can't see the appeal at all. I try - like when I listen to a song by Jason Mraz, I can see why people would enjoy his non-offensive tripe and all, but with Lambert, I actually see nothing appealing. He is like NASCAR to me - I don't remotely see its appeal, but I don't hate it, I am just really indifferent if not underwhelmed. I am both subjectively and objectively unimpressed. But I got 2 more months until dude's coronation and all, so I guess I gotta get over it, or just ignore it.

And the night is saved by a commercial from this fine establishment. Thank you and good night. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2MMAbtJcEo