Tuesday, March 25, 2008

AI Top 10

We get to find out when everyone was born this week. So much better than the Beatles.

Asia'n - When she was 3, she started singing - here is the footage of it, and it would have worked last week. She decides to scream Alone by Heart, but she is no Carrie Underwear here. Simon liked it? Apparently she is sick, which makes it okay? Please go home and go drink a rum and diet coke at Noriega's apartment. What did you think, sister?

WTF is she wearing? (Also- WTF is Paula wearing?) Anyway, when the drummer brought in the big part of the song we had to listen to it again. He rules! Oh, Ramiele- that is HORRIBLE! She is just shouting notes that are not even related to the song. Randy is right- when Simon listens to this again, he will realize the pitch was all over the place. Yuck! Chip is bleeding from the ears. He had to get up and leave the room!
We love the Guitar Hero commercial with Slash!

I have actually never played guitar hero, and have a mildly amusing philosophical rant if anyone is interested.

Castrol - It is his birthday, and he is baked in his interview. (Dude - he has literally been waiting for this day for probably 8 years now, and I think he hates that he has to be here right now.) He mentions his pretty eyes in case you forgot. They are all American right now - red, white, and blue. He decides to sing a song that sucks on his birthday. Carrie sticks up for him - "your people probably will say that he was boring, but I think he is so cute." Simon finally rips into him the way we all want to. He actually is like, "I should practice more. But we talkin' 'bout practice. PRACTICE!"

Same birthday as Sherri! Happy birthday to both of you! You do have pretty eyes, Castro. You know what really brings out the blue? When your pupils are dialiated and the whites are totally bloodshot! Like right now! Stoner. You just stole my stoner joke. Mine was better. Aw, we love this song. He's doing a great job. Too bad he stinks. Not at singing, just literally. Nice. Chip: "I don't usually like him, but that was pretty good! Refreshing." Randy doesn't like it unless you sing big notes. Whatever! That's not who Jason is! But seriously, did Simon rip Paula's shirt? And I disagree with Simon, again. That's weird- usually he and I are like one. Although by the end I agree with him- Jason isn't taking this seriously. And Jason mumbles as much when Ryan asks for a rebuttal.

Syesha - Also born in 1987. More from 1987! She is so goofy! She was beautiful as a baby too! Bring back the curly - there it is! I do like her better with curly hair, though. Sings some song, and sings it well, but you know, whatever. I mean, good job and all, but a little bit of yawn for me. I have seen awesome performances from this show that sound exactly like that. I mean, that was her best ever maybe, but yawn. Carrie from the other room: "That was...awesome! But, I mean, I have seen that performance on this show 100 times." We're getting married in May! Paula calls her a dark horse, and we make a comment about how her face isn't that long. Chip is disappointed when he realizes this isn't "If I Was Your Girlfriend." For reals- didn't that come out in 1987? She's knocking this out of the park, in my opinion. I predict Randy loves it- it's the type of AI song he loves, and that Chip hates. (Opposite of Castro for both.) Yep, he and Paula loved it. Good for Syesha. She's so beautiful! (Ryan called it a HR- just like me!)

Jacuzzi - I guess I am starting to like him personally. Born on September 11 - the day everyone remembers as the day that the Pinto first came out. Oh - he is Nigerian! Not a good song choice on the title alone - If Only For One More Night!!! Oh, there is no "More" in the title. He sings the type of song that Rochelle really gets all hot and bothered when she hears. Randy doesn't like it. Paula - she says something here. Whatever - it's too late to Paula-gize. Uh oh - he talks back to Simon, which is the kiss of death!

Chip wonders aloud what type of two-step he's going to do this week. Ha! Oh hell, he's "following his heart"- gag. 1985! Old man. Even though I find this boring, I think it's the type of song that plays to his strengths. He has the voice for this Luther-ish R&B thing. Chip really hated it- agrees with Randy that it felt "old- like somebody's dad was singing." I agree with Simon- it's a little cheesy! Don't talk back, Chikezie.

Brooke - Carrie goes, "Brooke? She needs to go home. She is so annoying!" She sings the stalker song - waits for her cue or something, which causes her to mess up, and it is weird. The crowd does the emotionless swaying thing. Oh good God Brooke, STFU and let the judges just talk! She was good, but I am kind of over her. She never had her lesbian phase in college, if I had to guess. Plus, I think she is a Mormon or something.

1983! So old! That is definitely the White family. Possibly the whitest! They wear Patagonia, and probably eat sushi. They definitely recycle. False start! That's okay. It's lovely, just like Brooke. What is wrong with her hand? I hope that was just a trick the light was playing because otherwise we are totally creeped out. So that was just aiight for us, dawg. The boys are right- once the band came in, that was kind of dorky. She should have stuck to just her and the piano. But then Randy would have hated it, with no attempt at a glory note. Pick a side, Randy!

(An aside- I am just so distracted by what Paula has on! Did she just stumble out of Studio 54? She has on leather gloves, and that torn up shirt!)
Steph - Paula looks like Darth Vader in short sleeves tonight.

Michael Johns - Born in 1978! One of us, one of us. He was born in the 70's! He's a man, baby, yeah! Because my man crush wasn't enough already, he busts out some awesome Queen. He didn't even have to sing it well - he earned about 7 billion cool points with me from the song choice alone. I fell in love with him during a Queen song already, so that must be his gig. Dude - that was awesome! This is great! He should always sing Queen. The band is rockin' out. We love the band! Dude - that was one of my top 10 favorite AI performances ever maybe. Dude! I'm swaying my arms along with the zombies in the "mosh pit". Yes! He rocked that shit! Even Chip is impressed. He will hum this song later in an attempt to get me in the mood. That was awesome! His best ever, certainly the best of this sad, sucky night. Paula sounds like I would trying to critique Michael- "uh, guh, mumble, flirty eyes, ummmmmmm, hee hee!" (Chip and I both take a minute to pine for Rock Star: INXS. He would have been great on that!)

Carrrrrrly - Born in Ireland? Really? At age 3 she kissed the Blarney Stone! (I made that up.) I think she is going to sing Danny Boy this week just to prove she is Irish. I don't know if you believe it yet. (BTW - that is one of my favorite youtube clips ever.) Turn around, crazy eyes - she picked a song that I like! 2 good ones in a row tonight! I think she actually grinds while she is singing, along with her crazy eyes - it is very strange. When Randy says he didn't like it, if you pause, you can actually pinpoint the exact moment where her heart breaks. (That was from Carrie.)

I wonder if Brooke is jealous that she is named after Carly Simon? I missed her birth year- I was still thinking about Michael. This song came out in 1983, though, so I guess that's it. Her phrasing is a little weird for me. She can belt this out, though. She needs to sing "Holding Out for a Hero" during Footloose week. The end was kind of cheesy, but overall that was good. Not worth $2.2 million or anything. No Randy, it was the right song. Just the wrong last note. Simon's right- she was a little tense. I love you, Simon!

David A - Archuletta was born in the aughts. Is he about to ask Ryan to prom? This is awk-ward! The person he would take to the dance is Noriega. 1990. He is a baby! He just said something about being a little kid, and Chip said, "Last year." He was born in 1990, and a part of me dies. Footage from his youth is in digital HD. He sings...something that really sucks. He is terrible, so of course Randy liked it. Dude - it was teh suXX0rs! Is this a Christian rock song? Simon actually didn't like it, thank god. That was just terrible - I said Up With People earlier, Simon says theme park. Was this performed at halftime of the 1990 Super Bowl by Up With People? I'm with Simon- I didn't enjoy that, and it was VERY much like a theme park song. Ghastly indeed! Carrie said Disney film, so she thinks she and Simon agree, and is worried that Steph will want to have sex with her because it gets her hot when Chip and Simon agree. I disagree with Simon at the end, because I actually DO think that is a song David would pick out for himself. He is a total high school talent show cheesewad. Gag. Carrie is safe.

KLC - Dude, why couldn't the footage of her in the bathing suit be from earlier this year? She sings...oh no. no no no no no no no. Oh sweet God no. Lord God no in the name of all things holy. Why?! She is safe another week, appealing to the dumbfuck rednecks who live between the coasts with her patriotic bullshit. Fuck - she might be safe for 4 more weeks. I haven't fallen this out of love with someone since I heard Jason Lee was a Scientologist. Wow - Paula just criticized David A for not singing an American song even - she is a certain to be back next week now. Oh crap on a stick! I can't put into words how sick to my stomach that just made me.

Nice hairy shirtless dad. 1984- the possibilities are endless! She's cute, but she really must go soon. Oh no- this is really the song she picked? From that year? I will spend the entirety of her song looking up other songs she could have sung. Here's a brief list: http://eightiesclub.tripod.com/id223.htm Chip correctly points out that she's going to sell a million copies of this on iTunes. Ugh- now I have another reason to hate the war in Iraq. She did sound better than she has in a few weeks, but really. That was just shameless pandering. Simon calls it "clever"- I think he's giving her too much credit, but still. Chip wants to adopt the British phrasing of saying "called" instead of "named" as in, "My wife is called Stephanie." I'm okay with that.

David Cook - Had a big head as a child - no amount of hair could possibly cover all that!!! Chris Cornell did this version? I'll bet he did it better, because he is so awesome. But David C is pretty good here - I don't want to take anything away from him. Carrie is finally sold on this guy - she wants him to win. I liked it too. Good job dude.

Cook- 1982. Head! Go cry yourself to sleep on your gigantic pillow! Good to know he's always played lefty, that it's not some douchey affectation. I love how he openly admits that these aren't his arrangements. None of that Chris Daughtry/Live pseudo-controversy for David Cook. (I have the serious hots for Chris Cornell, btw. I really am a rock slut.) This is awesome. He sang that shit! He's just so natural on stage. Chip says, "I think I've got to go with him! He's the most relevant! He could win!" And then Randy agrees! And then Paula blabbers. She should have waited until the show was over to snort coke off Randy's tits, I'm just saying. Simon: "Amazing." Yes! Man, I love David Cook. My top two remain my top two, but more importantly, Chip openly admits that Michael and Cook are the top two. Yes! We're going to watch them both again and then do some voting.

I say bottom 3 of Jacuzzi, KLC, and Asia'n. But that would be too easy. Asia'n or Jacuzzi will be going home though.

Recaps- Remiele offends the ears, Castro is high, Syesha is a diva, Chikezie is cheesy, Brooke is white, Michael is the father of all my future children, Carly is trying too hard, Archuletta is Up! With! People!, KLC is a Republican, David is your next American Idol. Chockley out!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

The Last 4 Days

Frank and I went to lunch at BWs in Ypsi. A bunch of State fans were all around us. Everyone was hoping Xavier pulls off the win against Georgia not because they are Xavier fans, but because they want to win their brackets. We found some humor in this.
Dinner at Damon's with Frank and Hillary. Rough afternoon for me - it has been a while since I have had BWs, and it didn't sit well. Very embarrassing - I almost missed Duke almost lose because of it. For some reason, my beers and Carrie's bottom-shelf margaritas were grossly overpriced, and I hated life when the bill arrives. Washington State/Winthrop were tied at the half, and Wash. St. wins by 30 somehow.
Also, Carrie and I are disappointed because the UPS commercials with the guy drawing on the white board are now shown with animation. This is disappointing to us because we actually thought he was drawing it live in the commercial, but now we can see it is all computers. Of course.
NCAA tourney - I end the first day 13 of 16 with all my sweet 16 teams still in it.

Lunch was at home - Carrie was off school. We have nothing to eat at home, so I have a Lean Pocket. It sits better on my stomach than Thursday lunch.
Back at work - someone shows me how to screen the games live on your computer - Garth and Frank are in my cube when Western KY hits the game winning three with no time on the clock to beat Drake. We all scream at the same time, and basically the whole office pops their heads up in their cubes to see what just happened. Highlight of my day, even if I had Drake in the Sweet 16. Friday night - we have an appointment to meet with the people who run/own the place where we are having the reception. However, between 3pm and 11pm that evening, we got about 8 inches of snow, so we had to cancel. The woman who runs the place emailed us the menu, and let's just say that it needs some work. Why would they want to make dessert? We will have a cake.
We end up going to Meijers and get stuff to make tacos (because it is so close to home) and all in all we get to see about 30 seconds of the Memphis game, all at halftime of the Indiana/Arkansas game, but luckily we won handily.
Today - I get 11 of 16 right and lose 2 of my sweet 16 picks - Drake and Vanderbilt. What happened there?

Yeah, there is no snow left on the roads. I watch a couple of minutes of Duke flopping like a Spanish soccer team before I can't handle it anymore. We go out to get groceries, and I call Mom and she lets me know that Duke lost. Which is good, because I got that one right. How about you, Steph? :)
7:00 - I have my keeper league baseball draft, which is a disaster because someone in our league forgot to pre-rank with his keepers. I still ended up with an awesome team, because I am awesome at fantasy baseball. During the draft, Xavier squeaks out a win against Purdue, which is good since I have Xavier in my Final Four. I almost get extra help when UCLA almost loses later.
Our version of The Game - I got 2 whites for Carrie to guess, because our red was going to be a Cortina Seghesio Zin. The first white I chose was an albarino, which I had never had. Carrie did not guess correctly - it didn't have the lime that she associates with albarino - btw, anyone reading this should try an albarino. It was like a Riesling with less mineral, and also tasted like a somewhat less polarizing Gewürztraminer - you know, a hint of pretty and flowers, instead of just an obnoxious amount. This time for The Game, I wrote out 8 grapes and 8 countries, but it didn't help. Then again, this was a grape that neither of us had much familiarity with. So you can't really give Carrie too much shit about it.
The second wine was the Chateau St. Jean Fume Blanc, the 2005 that wasn't the one that made WS top 100, but still got a 90. Carrie didn't get it either, but then again, I threw her off by saying "oak" instead of "smoke", even though it was not on purpose - it just put it in her mind. She really could have guessed this one. So Carrie was 0 for 2 on the game. It was an off day.
We made short ribs, some mustard green casserole thingy from Alton Brown, and the casserole rocked while the short ribs didn't so much. I think the quality of the short ribs was lacking - wayyyyy too much fat. Even for short ribs - fat and meat go together, not just a bunch of fat with a little bit of meat. Plus, the ribs and the red didn't pair up as well as hoped. Also, I made ice cream in my new ice cream maker. Seriously - the entirety of the recipe - 1 cup of whole milk, 2 cups of heavy cream, 8 oz. semi-sweet chocolate, 1/2 cup sugar, a teaspoon of vanilla extract. In WW terms, the whole thing was 8 billion points.
Luckily, in my Sweet 16, I was doing better - I got 6 of 8 right that night. Stupid MSU (redundant) and stupid Washington State (no emotions at all. I did get accepted into Oregon State's grad program for history but didn't go, so I root for the Beavers in the Pac-10 for that reason alone. Not just for the comedic value.)
Oh, and Michigan won the CCHA hockey tourney that night too. And SNL was a repeat, but it has their "I drink your milkshake" sketch, which leads a drunken me to utter the phrase 600 times that night. And even a bunch today - I haven't even seen the movie.

Hangover. I wake up early-ish because I am convinced I have my baseball draft with all you folk, but I guess there isn't a league this year. My scheduled draft is actually at 5:00, and is with work folk. Duh.
First game of the day is Sienna/Villanova, which rates as my biggest "who cares" game of the weekend.
All in all it is a lazy day - no school for Carrie to plan for. She ends up watching Mrs. Doubtfire, for some reason.
We drive the 25 minutes to Costco before we realize that it is closed for Easter. We get home by 5:00 after stopping at Meijer, just in time for my draft (which again, I will win). Also, I had Butler over Tennessee and Georgetown over Davidson, and got neither of those. Although I was thrilled - Davidson was my almost alma mater. Stupid obscene amounts of money it would have cost for me to go there.
Oh, and then Memphis made me sweat it out. Holy crap - hit some free throws, bitches - it ain't that hard. I think I could hit 47% of my free throws, and I suck at everything.
More importantly, we watched the last 4 new episodes of Gossip Girl, which is really fantastic and we love it. Highly recommended.
Today, not so good - 4 for 8, making me 10 for 16 on my Sweet 16. All my Elite 8 are still there, so good for me. If Memphis can pull it off, then I might just win the money, not that I am in any office pools or anything.

(So it is weird this year in basketball - of course, I picked Memphis last year also, but this year it seems that the rest of the tournament isn't as important. Memphis needs to win to validate all my hype and defenses of their abilities and my arguments that they should have been #1 even after they lost to Tennessee. You know, UNC, Kansas, and UCLA are there every year. Who cares? Why isn't Memphis everyone's favorite? They are the ultimate underdog - only 1 loss, but somehow we aren't as good as the teams who lost 3 or 4 times? Why do people think it is a weakness for our team that we won every game but one? We are from a mid-major. Top draft pick guy on the team. It is just, with these guys, this is maybe the closest I have felt to a college basketball team in years. But it just seems all or none for me and Memphis this year - every other game left in the tournament could end with a three point shot at the buzzer, but my heart rate will never be as high as it was when Memphis was trying to hit enough free throws to win today. I just wish they weren't playing State next. It is going to be a long week for me, and even longer if they don't beat State.)

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Game

Earlier this year, before I got sick for a month after we came to Memphis, Carrie and I started to play a game with our wine drinking. Carrie has a better palate for wine than I do in terms of picking out smells and flavors. Also, we have been working on identifying the terroirs of different regions, shown in the disproportionate amount of Alsatians we have had recently.

For those of you who don't have a subscription to Wine Spectator online, there is a game called "What Am I Tasting?". They give a description of a wine, and give about 5 choices for: Varietal, Country or Region of Origin, Age, and Appellation. Well, Carrie basically bats about 99% on this thing. If you have played the game, you know that it is easy to eliminate some of the choices, and also, you are going to match up your answers for consistency. For instance, you aren't going to pick a California Riesling from Sancerre, or an Italian Semillon from Sonoma - those don't work on any level. Plus, if the description is a white, it is going to be 1-2 years old, and if it is red it is 3-5 years old. But still, Carrie is uncanny at this thing.

Well, we decided to play our own version of this game, but make Carrie rely on her own nose and taste buds for the description instead of having it handed to her. The game was this - I would pick the wine for the night, either off the rack or from the store. I would have her go to the car while I stayed in the store and bought the wine so that she wouldn't see what I was getting, and we may or may not drink the wine I may or may not have just bought. Then, I wasn't going to make her pick out the Appellation just yet, because, c'mon. I mean, if I chose an Argentinian wine, she could probably guess Mendoza since about two-thirds of the wine comes from that region. Or if it was California, she could give me Napa, Sonoma, or other. Or Michigan - Old Mission or Leelanau. (I kid - I wouldn't do that to her.) But, I was hoping for grape and country and some sort of region - if I got a Sauvignon Blanc, is it a French Sancerre, or from NZ, or California Sonoma, etc.

The first week that we did this, I chose a Cote du Rhone as the white(Domaine du Vieux Chene 2005), which was something I had never had before and really wanted to try. I was worried that it might be a harder one, because I think she had had a Rhone white before, but I was unsure. To make up for it, I bought a Chilean Cab as the red (Concha y Toro Cabernet Sauvignon Puente Alto Marqués de Casa Concha 2004).

That night, we got some cheese (Pierre Robert, plus the goat cheese from Whole Foods which is my favorite) and opened the white. Actually, we already had another white open, because I was worried that the Rhone would not pair with the cheese. That, and Saturdays at the Millfills are a 3 bottle minimum per couple. The white was a new one for me, and I really liked it. (Our tasting notes - rich, luscious, very delicate, but big. Nose of honey, anise, sweet peach, flowers. Tastes: fennel, butterscotch, anise, pineapple, honeyed caramel. Yeah, these are Carrie's notes - I think I contributed "pineapple" to all that.) Carrie had to think about this one from the description that we came up with - but, the delay turned out to be mainly because it needed to open up somewhat. After much discussion, I made her give me a guess. She talked it out - she thinks it is a Viogner maybe, but she tells me it is definitely French. In fact, she really thinks it is a Rhone from the terroir! Bravo Carrie! I wasn't going to make me give an exact, but I think identifying the right grape (well, 1 of the 3) and the country and the region is a success for a wine with which neither of us are very familiar.

I go ahead and open the red, because I know the Cab needs to breath. Carrie gloats a little about her correct guess of Rhone, as she should. I cook the food (steaks of some sort, I can't remember), and once I have it all cooking, I go and pour the red. Carrie still has a little bit of white left, so she puts the red aside. Then, she says to me, "I'm gonna go ahead and smell it." She takes a whiff - "Wow. Well, that is definitely a Cab." She doesn't even look over for confirmation. She takes another whiff - "Wow - there is definitely some green pepper there. Shannon, this is a Chilean Cab." No, seriously - it might not have even taken that long. I have made her promise me a dozen times since then that she didn't cheat somehow - she really nailed it from the smell alone!

(Of course, she initially got excited because we have a vertical (almost) of the Don Melchor Concha Y Toro from 1999 on, but we have 2 of them from one year and we plan on drinking one of those soon. So I felt bad for a minute, but I got the regular Concha y Toro Cab for like $5 off, so whatever.)

Since that night we have played the game numerous times. Carrie hasn't had slam dunks like she did that first night, but I think part of that is my fault. See, I am using the game to get wines that I probably couldn't get Carrie to agree to otherwise - an Italian white, a Minervois, a $10 Malbec, a Chenin Blanc, an Alsatian Gewürztraminer (wow - only missed 2 letters on that one the first time!). The big disappointment was on the 2006 Tres Picos - I thought she would get it, but she said Australian! To be honest, it was in that style, and completely unlike the previous 3 vintages (don't get the 2003, but the other 2 are highly recommended). Also, it didn't pair well with the short ribs I made, which were actually the best meat I have ever eaten (that's what she said). No seriously, I have never had meat cooked that perfectly, and I am not just flattering myself - it felt wasted on a wine that didn't quite pair well with it. You don't realize how much food/wine pairings are important until you have a superior of one with an inferior of the other.

I have some ideas going forward for the game, but I think I will keep it simple. Plus, with the budget restraints we have right now due to the wedding, Carrie knows that generally it is going to be something we can afford. She isn't going to guess a 199o Brunello!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

AI Top 11

Again, this will be coauthored with Steph. Which is good, because I am surprisingly uninspired tonight. Also, I promise to post a blog post about something other than AI soon. I just don't get around to this until late, and I have been tired lately from being so awesome all the time. PS - I am going to write mine before I even read Steph's, then laugh at any overlap.

Steph (in blue going forward): So. . . last week was the Lennon/McCartney songbook, and this week is the Beatles? Um, okay. Does that mean we're going to hear A Little Help From My Friends?
Kristy looks almost cute, but that dress is too sparkly. Syesha wins this fashion show- yowza!
Memorable moments. It's week two! Jeez! Everyone's most memorable moment should be "Last week, when I didn't get sent home."

Amanda - it is weird, she looks 23 when she isn't singing, and 45 when she is singing. I mean, she could be pretty, but I think it is just the size of her head. If she gets voted out, she will have to go back to factory to work next to Roseanne, Jackie, and Crystal. Simon is right, it all sounds the same every week.

Amanda- The thing is, there are a lot of fine, boring singers right now. Since Amanda is more interesting than a lot of folks- KLC, Sayesha, Chikezie, Remiele- I think she could hang around for a few weeks. But she'll have to go after them, before the awesome top half of the group. Because she's really not a great singer, but at least she's not boring. She seems more confident and fun tonight, so that's good.

KLC - took my advice on the skirt. I have to say, I do think she is physically attractive - I just do. I mean, she isn't all that good and she needs to go home and all, but whatever. She does gain points at the end by promising to blow me...out of my socks. Dude - I would double entendre that chick.

KLC- No no no no no. No. Paula's kiss of death, "You look really pretty!" Simon, as always, is right. Chip would like Kristy to blow him out of his socks. Oh my.

David A - kind of boring, but whatever. I can't watch him without thinking he is going to mess up now. Carrie thinks he and Syesha win the night. But oh good lord with the crowd swaying thing. Carrie says "here come the zombies" every time they start swaying. We normally mock the crowd, but tonight we worked out (and watched the first half of the Pistons-Nuggets, where the Pistons scored 73 points! Dude! I tried to call Steph twice but she was drinking tequila, and I guess reverse drunk dials are strange for her or something) and we can't lift our arms over our heads as a result.

Archuleta- I'm soooooooo over him. There's no reason for it, I just am. But- he's so good! Damn it! And the crowd goes wild. And the judges lose their minds. Oh well. I wonder if he considers it a personal affront to be sharing the stage with the likes of Kristy Cook. If I were him I would. (Chip: "Shiiiit. Like butta.")

Michael Johns - Wow- that was the worst iPhone ad ever, really contrived. MJ really picks one of my favorite Beatles songs, but doesn't sing the part about blowing his mind out in a car (seriously - always reminds me of former Sheriff Jack Owens, every time - probably because he blew his mind out in a car). He does sing the part about smoking up though. Oh, and he is hawt still. The judges don't like it, even though I thought he was good. The judges suck tonight.

Michael- That was a memorable moment for me too! I'll remember it later in bed. Sorry Chip. drooool. . . You'd love to what? Mission accomplished! Whatever judges- I thought that was awesome. Why do they never like him? Chip isn't thrilled either. Maybe I'm just that blinded by his beauty. Whatever- I'm voting for him.

Brooke - OK, I woke up to this song for so many years. I had this alarm clock that played some loud muzak version of Here Comes the Sun every day. But, I still like the song, flying in the face of all reason. Brooke looks good and she is likeable, but I described my thoughts already. But she is kinda meh tonight. It is like, they are using tons of makeup on her right now, because you just know that there are some freckles on that chick.

Brooke- Nova Scotia? You don't say! The baby is named Madison? You don't say! It's well-written? By Lennon/McCartney? You don't say! Shannon used to have an alarm clock that woke him up with this song. I'm just sayin. Brooke is so incredibly awkward on stage- just play piano every week. Seriously. And the judges agree! Quotes of the night- Randy: "That was NOT hot for me." Simon: "It was wet." Huh? Is he talking about me during Michael's song? (Thank you, I'll be here all week.)

(ed. note - Seriously - Steph remembers the alarm clock? I can't believe she wrote that! LOL We must have grown up together! )

David Cook - Do you feel...like I feel? Oh good God that was embarrassing! He used the Framptonator! I agree with Simon again - I knew going in exactly what that would sound like. Plus, now all I can think is that his hair is a comb over because he is going bald - I read that somewhere this week, I don't even know if it is true. But he did sing "Gay Stripper" in honor of his buddy David who was voted out last week, so that was kind of touching.

David- Love him! But we had to stop and look up what he sang last week. Whitesnake! OMG- he's got the Frampton talk box thing right there. I can't wait. And there he goes! Yessssss! That was better than a beat box- sorry Blake! I don't care where his hair line starts. I love this man. Chip says, "It's down to the Davids now!" I'm with you. OMG- Paula is right! He's ready to go sell records. Simon pulls out the "you looked smug" business- has he been reading the message boards? Whatever- I loved it. I love him. It's over for me- I'm voting 6 and 4 tonight. Hand me the phone!

Carly - sings Blackbird, right after the judges do a whole routine about Blackbird. OK, I hadn't noticed before this week, but she's got the crazy eyes! Paula gives her an F...for Fantastic!! Simon doesn't like it? I can see that - so can Carly, since she's got that bug eyes thing going on. She looks a little Grace Slick here.

Carly- That will stick in my mind too, because I was offended when Simon compared you to The Kelly Clarkson. Does anyone else think about when Susan Lewis' sister Chloe gave birth to little Suzy every time you hear this song? No? Just me? I didn't like that version, I thought it was too fast, and Chip thought it was too Broadway-ish. It was a no from the Chockleys. The judges are talking and we are just not listening. Blah blah blah Irish accent tattoos blah blah.

Dreads - sings Michelle, but I like the Bela Fleck version better. I think he is high right now. Randy didn't like it. Carrie just wants you to know that you all are crazy and that he is beautiful, and his eyes are awesome, his skin is perfect, and he has beautiful eyelashes. I want to make a joke here about how it wasn't a very good ensemble, because he says tres bien ensemble in the song and it would be a play on the mistranslation and all, but I just can't make it work. I think he is goofy, but Carrie loves him for his goofiness. Ugh.

Castro- My favorite moment was that time you washed your hair. Oh wait! That hasn't happened- ever! French does not make this a dynamic song. Neither does pot. Seriously dude- stop talking. Stop everything. Ugh. Surely this has lasted longer than a minute forty. Will it never end!?!?!? Finally. Chip agrees with Randy that Jason wasn't "connected" to it. He thinks he was just goofy. I still repeat everything Castro says like I'm Vinny Barbarino or Danny Zucko. Simon is right- tonight is weird. They shouldn't have done a second night of Beatles songs. Move on! Ooooh- Simon said goofy too. It's hot when Chip and Simon agree!

Syesha - Wants to touch me...with this song. Oh no - straight hair? Keep the curly! Carrie thinks it is the best of the night. She was good, but I can't lie - I don't like the straight hair! It is disconcerting. I always hate those movies where the girl is ugly with curly hair, then she gets a makeover and straightens her hair and is attractive. Curly hair can be hot too! Plus, there is something very Euro-centric about it here which almost awakens the sleeping grad student within me.

Syesha- Mmmmmm boobies. My most memorable moment for you was that time you wore those short shorts. I'm a leg man! It's fair to say Chip is paying close attention tonight. I like this. Probably her best performance so far (other than Hollywood week). Chip totally disagrees, didn't like how she interacted with her accompaniment or something. Simon agrees with me! Now I'm sexy!

Chikeze - Ouch with the harmonica. Not as good as last week. But whatever. Pick a style dude. That might be his last performance, which would mean 2 guys go first after everyone was saying how much better the guys are this year.

Chikezie- Have I mentioned that I'm tired of the arm swaying thing the crowd is doing? Maybe a mosh pit wasn't the best idea, AI producers. Wow, Chikezie is so strangely bluegrass now! It was interesting last week, but this week I'm a little weirded out. I dunno- is that really him? He's doing the country-ish thing better than Kristy, that's all I can say. Someone needs to tell Chikezie that Nashville doesn't allow black folks in. Sorry dude- Davidson County is whites only. Next!

(ed. note - Again, it is like we are related! The swaying annoys us all!)

Asia'n - Can I still call her that now that Asia'h is gone? She is decent, but from her piece, she just really seems needy. Simon commented on her personality being likeable, and I was thinking that this is the first time ever that Simon said the exact opposite of what I was thinking! It was too cutesy overall - I'll bet she slept with one guy in her life, and only once, and when she hangs out with people, she still talks about it in a way that no one else can understand what it was like to love a guy and share something like that, and it was so devastating when he dumped her that summer because he was headed off to college at USC and she was stuck hostessing at the sushi place while studying for the GED, and she still drunk texted him on the weekends, but recently she found out that he changed his number, and she doesn't understand how you can completely cut off someone who you shared something as wonderful as what they had. Danny understands it though. (Wow - that...went on for a while. Sorry.)

Ramiele- OMG I love all my BFFs! I'm so awesome and so are all my friends! When I get done singing I'm totally going to text Danny and see if he was watching! Whatever. Nice fucking hat. It almost distracts me from that thing covering your midsection. This is awful. Chip: "It's time for her to go." Damn! It is what it is. Since we were watching this late, I voted 4 and 6 while she sang and was judged. I don't have time.

Bottom 3 of Ramiele, Chikeze, and KLC, with Chikeze going home. That's not what I want, but that is my prediction. Also - David H last week - we didn't discuss. WTF? He wasn't gonna win, but still. Gay stripper. One gay stripper yeah. It took us sooooo long, to find out. And we found out.

The recaps- Michael sounds fine! WTF is wrong with Chip and the judges? Whatever-David Cook just sounds like a pro compared to these other assholes. He's the man. We hope he has a good career. Ooh- Castro's clip doesn't flatter his singing. Is this all a big joke to him? Basically, Kristy really, really must go. I mean, I hate Ramiele and all, but Kristy must go. My overall (not just tonight) official rankings (worst to first)
David Cook bitches!!!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Top 12

I am going to phrase this as a conversation with Steph, since she took live notes and sent them to me. Let me just say, Simon had his arm on Paula's chair the whole night, but otherwise he was in a great mood. Up until Paula cut him off and he had to put her in her place.

Steph: I'm all over it, I totally fall for the opening BS. I was yelling in my car today when I heard a commercial! ("America, it's up to you." It IS! It's up to me! Woohoo!!) Awesome set. We LOVE Ricky Minor! (and the drummer) I love where they are, up top. But I worry that the Idols can't interact with the band or backup singers any. We'll see.-
Chloe has said Amerkin Igol! a bunch of times already.

S yes ha - I thought she was pretty good - she is very attractive, but could potentially have a lazy eye thing working. The number 1 spot sucks - I hope she sticks around!

Steph: Syesha- So amazingly beautiful! Sorry she went first- she's in danger already and people always forget the first one. But look at her looong legs in those jeans! Here she could be one of the first to go, and she is good enough to have won one of the last few seasons. Paula- that's mine and Chip's "pitch" face! But we didn't make it during this song. We agree with Simon, of course.
Connor just started breakdancing! He knows it's 3-11 day.

Jacuzzi - You know, we actually liked him this week. He looked comfortable finally, but he won't win. He might not go at number 12 like everyone predicted though. If he is going to actually be fun, keep him around!

Steph: Chikezie- He's right- he did a good job last week. He's better than a few of the girls, is all I can say. He's going to put his funk on it? Ewww! Aw man- his funk is bluegrass? Hell yeah! He's rocking this. I am all about it. The kids are dancing. It's a party! Chip said, "He had a good time. Lots of energy." Chloe said, "Amerkin Igol!" Yep- good falsetto. He did smash it, Randy. Paula knew he was a Allison Krauss/Robert Plant-collaboration-combined-in-one-person type of artist? You are a genius.

Ryan- Uhhhh. . . Chip, "What is happening? There's way too much whiteness."

Asia'n - Apparently she was friends with some people who have been voted off. I hadn't noticed. Her performance bored me to tears, Carrie said she thought it was pretty. Randy said it was pretty and pretty boring, so we high-fived. Oh, did you know she worked in a sushi restaurant? And Jacuzzi worked at the airport? (You know, if I am doing the whole text color thing, do I really need to preface Steph's part with "Steph:"?)

Steph: Ramiele- (I'd like to bust your butt but I can't. I got another problem here. I gotta send somebody from this squadron to) Mirimar! Sushi! She would get laid at our house- she smells like soy sauce! Oy, with the clique again. I just hate her. I think she's a good singer, though, but this isn't a great song for her. She should have gone a different direction. Definitely borrrrrr-ing. (That last one was from Chip) Randy: You sure are pretty! Pretty boring! Hahahahaaa! Simon was RIGHT ON.

Jason - The best part of the whole thing was the fact that in his interview, when he is outside, there are a ton of flies and gnats flying around his stinky-ass hair! I will leave the rest to Carrie: "Oh, I loved him, I think he is so cute, I want to have the intercourse with him sexually and stare into his eyes and cheekbones and smoke pot and make funny faces and play dumb so the girls will like me blahblahblah."

Steph: Castro- Celebrating 3-11 Day in style! STONED! At least in his "package," but maybe not on stage. Anyway- If I Fell! Chip and I walked back down the aisle to this song! So he's got a 3-11 thing and a wedding thing- he should be my guy! But he's not- you know I can't talk about it without gagging. Anyway. . .pretty good! (Wait- WTF was that face at the end?) Whatever- he's cute, he's got it all working. If it weren't for the dreds (shudder) and the John Travolta thing, I might love him. But I don't. Next!

Carrrrrly - She is from Ireland and works at an Irish pub? Hadn't noticed. She is pretty good this week, although not my favorite Beatles song (sorry Carrie). Simon fully didn't remember her name later - classic.

Steph: Carly- Did she "Irish" up this week? Did she sound this Irish last week? Is she going to ransack my house and leave candy lying around? Chip says no, that she's always that Irish. Ranch, bitches! You know, I totally listened to clips from her big "debut" album from MCA the other day- ouch. This is much better! I guess I like her. Musically and non- she's one of the only two girls I'd like to have a beer with. (Although, Syesha? Call me. We'll share some Hennessy and kick back and listen to some jazz. Maybe a little massage? I'm just sayin.) Chip is not feeling it. I'm somewhere between him and Randy. Wait- Kelly Clarkson? No. No sir. That's. . .no. Just no. But then he winked! you know I love when Simon winks.

David Cook - Does the 30 Seconds to Mars version of my favorite Beatles song. (PS - every time I write "Beatles", I pronounce it like Apu.) (BTW - I'm Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts club man. I hope I will enjoy My show.) David does a good job and is moving up most draft boards, to the point that he might go third overall to the Falcons.

Steph: David- I love you David! I'm such a sucker for the whole rock posturing thing, like back with Daughtry- I'm a rock girl! The drummer is rocking this shit! And so is David. Chip says that on principle he can't abide a different arrangement of this song, but in reality, he just rocked that shit. Chip and Paula simultaneously say something about a "dark horse." I think dirty thoughts. Awesome! Best so far. Brilliant indeed. Simon says what I'm thinking, as usual. I'll be voting IDOLS 06! Ryan's right- Simon IS on his game!

Brooke - Does the Letter B. Looks...different tonight? Like, better - less albino and more color to her cheeks. Cries after this song, and is barefoot - it is official, I could never date this chick. I need a lady on the street but a freak in the bed, I said yayeah yayeah. I like her, but I don't want her to win. She seems like that girl at work that you really respect because she is a really good person, but at the same time, you always back out when she tries to get you and your significant other to hang out with her and her husband, because it just isn't gonna be a fun night.

Steph: Brooke- Moved to Mesa to. . . work on her music? She's so lovely and pleasant! Oh no. Let It Be? I'll keep my fingers crossed. . . Chip says, Who is she in today's market? I'm like, Carly Simon? We like her a lot, but we don't really understand how she fits. She did give a nice, simple, heartfelt performance. Aw, she's crying! So cute! She is just lovely. I have a weird ambivalence about her- I love her, but I don't. She's still at the top, though. Probably top two girls, top six overall.

Gayvid Hernanstripper: Terrible. He blows it - it kinda sucked. Took it hard from the judges. He wanted nothing butt love from everyone, but ended up really getting drilled hard. He will have to come from behind next week in order to finish first. Penis.

Steph: David- Stripper. STRIPPER! Say pizza bistro one more time. We all know that's code for GAY MALE STRIPPER! Work the stage, that's right. Anyway, he's solid, like always, but nothing to write home about. Why is he pronouncing the word "dance" like that? Day-unce. Anyway, OMG! His best friends are Hooters waitresses and the gay black guy from Mannequin! Wow! Chip says, in a British accent, "Karaoke, cabaret, ugh." Simon does him one better with the, "No no no no." Ha! Chip, "He's just cheesy. I dunno."

Amanda Overmeyer - (Wait, the black guy from Mannequin?) I don't know, I have a feeling that I know this song, but I just can't tell what it is. She is better this week, although for some reason, when Simon talks to her, I feel like I can actually see her die inside. (Better than the dye outside - am I right? Can I get a what what T Shane?) Taye Diggs - what, is he like 40 now? I wish I looked that good now! Not just in...8 years? 8 years from 40? Holy shit I'm old!!!

Steph: Amanda Overmeyer- Why do we have to say her last name every time? Did you know someone is shopping nude pics of her on the internet? Bring it on! She's so cute. She looks her age tonight. The extensions work for her. My first Beatles album was Hard Day's Night. Woohoo! Chip, "She's a one trick pony. And I'm tired of that trick." Well said, Governor! (Seriously- he got caught with a prostitute and more than 24 hours later still hasn't resigned? The hell?) Anyway, Chip thinks Amanda is the female version of Chris Robinson from the Black Crowes. Sings riffs instead of melodies. Tonight Chip is giving Simon a run for his money in the insightful comments department. Hot! Anyway, we like Amanda for what she does, and we think she does a great job at it, it's just not really our thing. I still think that OMG TAYE DIGGS!!!!

(PS - from now on, when I see Amanda Overmeyer, I am gonna be like, I am tired of that trick.)

Michael Johns - Oh, he is from Australia - I was wondering about the accent. He is still hot, but I agree with Simon - one week he is just gonna bust out some shit. He is the hot tennis instructor - they show him teaching a guy, because they wanted to avoid the real truth that he nails a ton of 46 year old housewives who look like Catherine from CSI after he gives them their lesson.

Steph: Michael Johns- Yeah, I looked up his band on MySpace. I have the hots for him. What do you want from me!? I'm all moony-eyed, like "That was awesome!" Chip and the male judges are looking at me and Paula like we're crazy. But seriously- he could have sat down and taken a shit on stage and Paula and I would be calling R Kelly to collaborate on a song about it. He is just it. OMG- did Simon just say "What's the Irish girls name?" Heee!

KLC - wait, what was that about R Kelly? OK - KLC, put a bag over her head and do your business, that's what I say. She is a tomboy and likes outdoor stuff - why have they been hiding this from us? The thing is, she could make the top 10 if she would wear a skirt and show off the gams. I would vote for her the way I did with McPhee and Scarnato. She has a rockin' bod! Oh yeah, and she is the suckiest suck who ever sucked this week. I mean, seriously - if it weren't for the Ben Affleck/Jimmy Kimmel thing, I would say that that was from Grobania, it sucked so hard musically. When it started, it caught me so unprepared for the level of suckitude which was to inevitably follow, that I had to pause it to compose myself.

Steph: KLC (BTW, my initials are SLC. That's what I go by at work. Just thought you should know.) Anyway, Kristy is singzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Wait, here goes the song. MAKE IT STOP! AAAGGHHH! No no no no no! A thousand times no! If we were allowed to vote someone off, I would be voting for her. A part of my soul just died. Seriously- if she weren't hot, we would be fast forwarding right now. Finally, it's over. Chip, "That was some country shit right there." Well said. Wow- I have never agreed with Paula as much as I did just then. (Except for before with Michael.) Simon is right- it's one thing to be country, it's another to go that far on the country side of things. WTF with him and Ryan? They remind us of this: http://current.com/items/88864794_reporter_hates_anchor_anchor_hates_reporter

David - OK, I remember when Mike Tyson got knocked out by Buster Douglas, and it was the first time in my life that I was stunned to the point of speechlessness. When David messed up that first part, well, it was that same feeling! Like seeing a 1 seed lose in the playoffs - this thing is wide open! He just messed up the whole time! It never got better! The Giants could conceivably beat the Patriots in this game! That was a disaster of epic proportions. Well, not as bad as your college football team being eliminated from the BCS championship game before classes even start.

Steph: Archuleta- Don't get tangled in your eyelashes! (http://www.televisionwithoutpity.com/) OMG- He forgot the words! Ha! Even Archuleta believes the backlash I've artificially created! And again! And AGAIN! He's a mess! Maybe he's scared David is going to out him as a poor tipper. Ooof! Bad arrangement, bad performance, wow. Has anyone ever forgotten the words that bad this late in the game? Not on point. Well said, dawg. Simon said he was a mess- he's right there with us.

I think Asia'n leaves tonight, but pray to God that KLC goes home. Or, if she doesn't, she wears as little as possible next week.

Thanks for the input tonight, Steph!

Steph: Here come the recaps- in retrospect, Syesha and Chikezie sound even better. Asia'n sounds even worse. And Cook still wins the night for us. Outstanding! Archuleta sure did sound better in the dress rehearsal. It's over!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

AI "Top" 8 Girls

Literally from word 1, Paula is incoherent.

Asia'h - Uh oh, the Whitney songs continue. God I hate the girls this year, and this is going to be a long night.

kd - Sang Christina Aguilera in 9th grade, so I am old. I physically hate this broad. Actually sucks tonight, like every other week. Can I fast forward yet? Wait - Randy and Paula...liked it? Simon insults her, and bravo. She is a bitch in reply, and I hate her.

Amanda - Embarrassing moment is surprisingly not the DUI. Sings a fun song at least. So, she gains some cool points with me because it wasn't something lame. Simon tries to say that it was good because it was actually memorable.

Irish - Embarrassing moment involves a bar, so that was cool. Does a 90s Celine Dion song from the 80s? Paula calls her a female dog. Simon doesn't like it.

KLC - Talks about going around on her hands and knees, and I blanked out for a minute. Wait...that's Journey's music!!! It's about frickin' time - Journey bitches! Sings it kinda slow - but I wouldn't say that Steve Perry rolled around in his grave or anything. Still wasn't great, but did Journey, so I am putting her in the top 12 because of it. But please, don't make this into a country song.

Asia'n - Not Phil Collins! Do the Postal Service version! Not bad though. 6 down, only 2 left! Paula - for the LOVE OF GOD, please stop talking.

Brooke - Does a song that I can no longer separate from Mr. Mackey. But she does a pretty cool version, and I liked it. Simon is exactly right here - she did a great job, and I liked it. Oh sweet God, someone please put Paula down like a horse with a broken leg.

Syesha - Shows off the gams in a positively Scarnato-ian fashion. But does Whitney again, and I am bored again. Gets no feedback, because they are short on time.

I liked the lion, Irish, and Brooke tonight. Send kd home, and someone else - it doesn't matter. Just send kd home.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

AI Top 8 "Guys"

Luke Menard - Choose Life. Eli Stone. Where do I go with this one? - oh, they show a picture of him in a dress, then he does a George Michael song. He needs to leave. Paula starts and stops 14 different sentences here. The transcript of her analysis would read like a Bush speech. Simon is like, please leave dude.

Archuletta - He was funny with Ryan. Does a Phil Collins song for some reason. He is good, and will win - not much to say here. Why Phil Collins though? Is Simon trying to start the backlash already?

Danny Noriega - Mentions a "crush" - dude, just say "the guy you liked" - none of us are expecting anything else. Comes out workin' it. Tainted Love - you made it your own, dog. But were still very, very gay. He is the "bright light" in this competition, according to Paula, but she is otherwise completely incoherent. Simon hated it, because he hates the gay.

Gay stripper - His embarrassing moment was leaked to the press this week, but he doesn't mention it. Instead he gay strips "Gay Stripper" by gay stripper. Randy thinks he was a gay stripper for 3 years. Paula says, "stray gipper". Simon gay stripper that gay stripper gay stripper gay stripper. Gay, stripper, gay stripper gay. Stripper gay stripper gay, "stripper gay stripper gay stripper" - gay stripper!

Michael Johns - His embarrassing moment was the time 4 guys jumped him and kicked his ass? That sounds more like your most traumatic moment. He does the Simple Minds dance, while making sweet, sweet love to the microphone. Simon says he was like one of the girls, which is what I said about Noriega. Paula "The day I'm your sister, the day is I will leave the country." - ?

David Cook - Carrie: "Your sister loves him for some reason." Does some Lionel Richie, making us like him more. Outrageous! Carrie: "He is winning me over." Lionel Richie - what a bad parent! But, Cook wins the night for us. Just awesome stuff, really. Simon ALMOST says that Lionel Richie was at Whole Foods buying carrots, which would literally have been the funniest thing I would have ever heard. I LOL'd anyway.

Castro - Embarrassing moment was that time he was like, dude, and some dude was all like, aaagghh! OMG - I was so messed up! Dude - that was sweet dude. He pussies some song, but is pretty good I guess. Carrie gets all worked up - loves this kid. (Dude - what is up with Paula's cleavage? What is up with Paula? Does she always have to be on pain pills? Are they promoting House? Even Randy is like, shut up you drug addled whorebag!)

Chikeze - Likes to use womens' restrooms. Sings "She Fills Me Up", and the lyrics are very emasculating. He ends on a bad note. Paula - holy crap! Spit it out woman - I mean, the pills - spit them out! Simon calls it cabaret, but would you hear this song at a cabaret?

Chikeze and Luke are out. Not outed, like Hernandez.