AI Top 10

We get to find out when everyone was born this week. So much better than the Beatles.

Asia'n - When she was 3, she started singing - here is the footage of it, and it would have worked last week. She decides to scream Alone by Heart, but she is no Carrie Underwear here. Simon liked it? Apparently she is sick, which makes it okay? Please go home and go drink a rum and diet coke at Noriega's apartment. What did you think, sister?

WTF is she wearing? (Also- WTF is Paula wearing?) Anyway, when the drummer brought in the big part of the song we had to listen to it again. He rules! Oh, Ramiele- that is HORRIBLE! She is just shouting notes that are not even related to the song. Randy is right- when Simon listens to this again, he will realize the pitch was all over the place. Yuck! Chip is bleeding from the ears. He had to get up and leave the room!

We love the Guitar Hero commercial with Slash!

I have actually never played guitar hero, and have a mildly amusing philosophical rant if anyone is interested.

Castrol - It is his birthday, and he is baked in his interview. (Dude - he has literally been waiting for this day for probably 8 years now, and I think he hates that he has to be here right now.) He mentions his pretty eyes in case you forgot. They are all American right now - red, white, and blue. He decides to sing a song that sucks on his birthday. Carrie sticks up for him - "your people probably will say that he was boring, but I think he is so cute." Simon finally rips into him the way we all want to. He actually is like, "I should practice more. But we talkin' 'bout practice. PRACTICE!"

Same birthday as Sherri! Happy birthday to both of you! You do have pretty eyes, Castro. You know what really brings out the blue? When your pupils are dialiated and the whites are totally bloodshot! Like right now! Stoner. You just stole my stoner joke. Mine was better. Aw, we love this song. He's doing a great job. Too bad he stinks. Not at singing, just literally. Nice. Chip: "I don't usually like him, but that was pretty good! Refreshing." Randy doesn't like it unless you sing big notes. Whatever! That's not who Jason is! But seriously, did Simon rip Paula's shirt? And I disagree with Simon, again. That's weird- usually he and I are like one. Although by the end I agree with him- Jason isn't taking this seriously. And Jason mumbles as much when Ryan asks for a rebuttal.

Syesha - Also born in 1987. More from 1987! She is so goofy! She was beautiful as a baby too! Bring back the curly - there it is! I do like her better with curly hair, though. Sings some song, and sings it well, but you know, whatever. I mean, good job and all, but a little bit of yawn for me. I have seen awesome performances from this show that sound exactly like that. I mean, that was her best ever maybe, but yawn. Carrie from the other room: "That was...awesome! But, I mean, I have seen that performance on this show 100 times." We're getting married in May! Paula calls her a dark horse, and we make a comment about how her face isn't that long. Chip is disappointed when he realizes this isn't "If I Was Your Girlfriend." For reals- didn't that come out in 1987? She's knocking this out of the park, in my opinion. I predict Randy loves it- it's the type of AI song he loves, and that Chip hates. (Opposite of Castro for both.) Yep, he and Paula loved it. Good for Syesha. She's so beautiful! (Ryan called it a HR- just like me!)

Jacuzzi - I guess I am starting to like him personally. Born on September 11 - the day everyone remembers as the day that the Pinto first came out. Oh - he is Nigerian! Not a good song choice on the title alone - If Only For One More Night!!! Oh, there is no "More" in the title. He sings the type of song that Rochelle really gets all hot and bothered when she hears. Randy doesn't like it. Paula - she says something here. Whatever - it's too late to Paula-gize. Uh oh - he talks back to Simon, which is the kiss of death!

Chip wonders aloud what type of two-step he's going to do this week. Ha! Oh hell, he's "following his heart"- gag. 1985! Old man. Even though I find this boring, I think it's the type of song that plays to his strengths. He has the voice for this Luther-ish R&B thing. Chip really hated it- agrees with Randy that it felt "old- like somebody's dad was singing." I agree with Simon- it's a little cheesy! Don't talk back, Chikezie.

Brooke - Carrie goes, "Brooke? She needs to go home. She is so annoying!" She sings the stalker song - waits for her cue or something, which causes her to mess up, and it is weird. The crowd does the emotionless swaying thing. Oh good God Brooke, STFU and let the judges just talk! She was good, but I am kind of over her. She never had her lesbian phase in college, if I had to guess. Plus, I think she is a Mormon or something.

1983! So old! That is definitely the White family. Possibly the whitest! They wear Patagonia, and probably eat sushi. They definitely recycle. False start! That's okay. It's lovely, just like Brooke. What is wrong with her hand? I hope that was just a trick the light was playing because otherwise we are totally creeped out. So that was just aiight for us, dawg. The boys are right- once the band came in, that was kind of dorky. She should have stuck to just her and the piano. But then Randy would have hated it, with no attempt at a glory note. Pick a side, Randy!

(An aside- I am just so distracted by what Paula has on! Did she just stumble out of Studio 54? She has on leather gloves, and that torn up shirt!) Steph - Paula looks like Darth Vader in short sleeves tonight.

Michael Johns - Born in 1978! One of us, one of us. He was born in the 70's! He's a man, baby, yeah! Because my man crush wasn't enough already, he busts out some awesome Queen. He didn't even have to sing it well - he earned about 7 billion cool points with me from the song choice alone. I fell in love with him during a Queen song already, so that must be his gig. Dude - that was awesome! This is great! He should always sing Queen. The band is rockin' out. We love the band! Dude - that was one of my top 10 favorite AI performances ever maybe. Dude! I'm swaying my arms along with the zombies in the "mosh pit". Yes! He rocked that shit! Even Chip is impressed. He will hum this song later in an attempt to get me in the mood. That was awesome! His best ever, certainly the best of this sad, sucky night. Paula sounds like I would trying to critique Michael- "uh, guh, mumble, flirty eyes, ummmmmmm, hee hee!" (Chip and I both take a minute to pine for Rock Star: INXS. He would have been great on that!)

Carrrrrrly - Born in Ireland? Really? At age 3 she kissed the Blarney Stone! (I made that up.) I think she is going to sing Danny Boy this week just to prove she is Irish. I don't know if you believe it yet. (BTW - that is one of my favorite youtube clips ever.) Turn around, crazy eyes - she picked a song that I like! 2 good ones in a row tonight! I think she actually grinds while she is singing, along with her crazy eyes - it is very strange. When Randy says he didn't like it, if you pause, you can actually pinpoint the exact moment where her heart breaks. (That was from Carrie.)

I wonder if Brooke is jealous that she is named after Carly Simon? I missed her birth year- I was still thinking about Michael. This song came out in 1983, though, so I guess that's it. Her phrasing is a little weird for me. She can belt this out, though. She needs to sing "Holding Out for a Hero" during Footloose week. The end was kind of cheesy, but overall that was good. Not worth $2.2 million or anything. No Randy, it was the right song. Just the wrong last note. Simon's right- she was a little tense. I love you, Simon!

David A - Archuletta was born in the aughts. Is he about to ask Ryan to prom? This is awk-ward! The person he would take to the dance is Noriega. 1990. He is a baby! He just said something about being a little kid, and Chip said, "Last year." He was born in 1990, and a part of me dies. Footage from his youth is in digital HD. He sings...something that really sucks. He is terrible, so of course Randy liked it. Dude - it was teh suXX0rs! Is this a Christian rock song? Simon actually didn't like it, thank god. That was just terrible - I said Up With People earlier, Simon says theme park. Was this performed at halftime of the 1990 Super Bowl by Up With People? I'm with Simon- I didn't enjoy that, and it was VERY much like a theme park song. Ghastly indeed! Carrie said Disney film, so she thinks she and Simon agree, and is worried that Steph will want to have sex with her because it gets her hot when Chip and Simon agree. I disagree with Simon at the end, because I actually DO think that is a song David would pick out for himself. He is a total high school talent show cheesewad. Gag. Carrie is safe.

KLC - Dude, why couldn't the footage of her in the bathing suit be from earlier this year? She sings...oh no. no no no no no no no. Oh sweet God no. Lord God no in the name of all things holy. Why?! She is safe another week, appealing to the dumbfuck rednecks who live between the coasts with her patriotic bullshit. Fuck - she might be safe for 4 more weeks. I haven't fallen this out of love with someone since I heard Jason Lee was a Scientologist. Wow - Paula just criticized David A for not singing an American song even - she is a certain to be back next week now. Oh crap on a stick! I can't put into words how sick to my stomach that just made me.

Nice hairy shirtless dad. 1984- the possibilities are endless! She's cute, but she really must go soon. Oh no- this is really the song she picked? From that year? I will spend the entirety of her song looking up other songs she could have sung. Here's a brief list: http://eightiesclub.tripod.com/id223.htm Chip correctly points out that she's going to sell a million copies of this on iTunes. Ugh- now I have another reason to hate the war in Iraq. She did sound better than she has in a few weeks, but really. That was just shameless pandering. Simon calls it "clever"- I think he's giving her too much credit, but still. Chip wants to adopt the British phrasing of saying "called" instead of "named" as in, "My wife is called Stephanie." I'm okay with that.

David Cook - Had a big head as a child - no amount of hair could possibly cover all that!!! Chris Cornell did this version? I'll bet he did it better, because he is so awesome. But David C is pretty good here - I don't want to take anything away from him. Carrie is finally sold on this guy - she wants him to win. I liked it too. Good job dude.

Cook- 1982. Head! Go cry yourself to sleep on your gigantic pillow! Good to know he's always played lefty, that it's not some douchey affectation. I love how he openly admits that these aren't his arrangements. None of that Chris Daughtry/Live pseudo-controversy for David Cook. (I have the serious hots for Chris Cornell, btw. I really am a rock slut.) This is awesome. He sang that shit! He's just so natural on stage. Chip says, "I think I've got to go with him! He's the most relevant! He could win!" And then Randy agrees! And then Paula blabbers. She should have waited until the show was over to snort coke off Randy's tits, I'm just saying. Simon: "Amazing." Yes! Man, I love David Cook. My top two remain my top two, but more importantly, Chip openly admits that Michael and Cook are the top two. Yes! We're going to watch them both again and then do some voting.

I say bottom 3 of Jacuzzi, KLC, and Asia'n. But that would be too easy. Asia'n or Jacuzzi will be going home though.

Recaps- Remiele offends the ears, Castro is high, Syesha is a diva, Chikezie is cheesy, Brooke is white, Michael is the father of all my future children, Carly is trying too hard, Archuletta is Up! With! People!, KLC is a Republican, David is your next American Idol. Chockley out!