Tuesday, April 1, 2008

AI Wars

A quick word before we start - a quick apology to Gina for the God Bless America KLC debacle last week. I was merely attacking the way the song has been co-opted by the right in the country as a means of conflating the feelings of supremacy they get from both their religion and their love of country. Not an attack on the song itself, which is for some reason real catchy and annoying - I mean, it is good song writing I guess and all. So no hard feelings, even though you stole the man I love from me. Oh, and I will tease you about this from now on. :)
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OK Steph, it is Dolly week, meaning the over/under on how many times Carrie says "Dolly is so cute" stands at 16. Good LORD I love Dolly Parton!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow - a lighter shade of blue this week Steph! Is something wrong with your voice, or did you sprain your ankle? You must just not want to get confused with the links below! Hey - for fun this week, I have decided to say which Star Wars character that each idol reminds me of.

Brooke - First off, wow - I didn't know that Dolly Parton had died. It is good that they got her ghost to do the show tonight! I like the way Brooke wears some country getup to meet with Dolly. While she is singing, all I can imagine is Dolly singing the song, which is to say, I guess she didn't "make it her own". That was fine. I mean, I really love that song, and she didn't offend me. She's just a little awkward. And I'm over her with the way she talks to the judges. Good God, Brooke, please stfu while the judges are talking. Stop talking! Seriously! (OK, so the Star Wars character for Brooke is the most difficult - I would maybe say JarJar Binks, since she is annoying and kids probably like her. No - it is Luke Skywalker for sure. She is blond hair/blue eyes, perfect Aryan specimen, and she would probably accidentally kiss her own sibling.)

David Cook - He sings hymn 253, His Eyes Are on the Sparrow. Nice hair! I think this is awesome, and I'll tell you why. America isn't familiar with this song, so we have nothing to compare it to. As a result, we can just judge him on his own merits. And it was great! This is own arrangement finally, instead of someone else's that we aren't familiar with that he can subtlety pass off as his own in a half-truth kind of way - oh wait, that was Daughtry. David C does do this arrangement himself, and actually does a really good job. (PS- I'm so tired of the arrangement apologies! He has mentioned it every week. It's not a secret. Quit being mad at him- he's not hiding anything!) Sorry! I wasn't mad! Paula of course mentions his hair - it is a comb-up-and-over. Right before Paula starts talking, Chip correctly predicts that she will mention the hair. Hee! (Star Wars character - Lobot. Hehe.)

Ramiele - No. Oh, well I can talk about her. Um...well, she...I guess she reminds me of a Star Wars character - so many ways to go. Short and stocky like R2D2? Maybe Nein Numb, who helped Lando destroy the second Death Star? No, I am going to go with Lott Dodd, who is the horrifying Asian stereotype from the prequels, just because of the fact that she is a horrible stereotype herself.

Jason Castro - The ghost of Dolly Parton is hilarious meeting with him. Dolly- don't touch the hair! Her nails shriveled up and fell off. Acrylic is no match for that kind of funk. I mean, he is okay and all during the song, but Carrie is fantastic in her "logic" to defend everything about him. Really, he can do no wrong for her. I wonder if she sticks up for me in front of others the way that she just stuck up for him. Dude- this is good! Dolly just writes great songs. They make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. Simon just said that he is going to lose his pass to Dollywood - he thought of that line during the week and has just been waiting to use it. Chip "Good. . .kind of earnest." Should I give Carrie and Chip their own text colors yet? (Star Wars character - Kit Fisto, the jedi with the dreads and the strangely pornographic name. Although he does look like this too.)

Carrrrly - Dolly Parton is fun again and all. Carly sings some line about looking into her eyes, and I am like, dude they mesmerize to the point that they cause convulsions. (Props to Robert Darnton - history joke. Yeah, that made me happier than it will to anyone else who reads this blog.) What a great song. And a good choice for her. I think this is really good. That was her best ever. Chip agrees- "amazing control." Simon criticizes her and that she needs to improve her looks, and I am like, apparently it takes 10 weeks of laser treatments to get rid of that shit on her arms dude. We really disagree with Simon on this one. The thing is, he just hates country music and he is always overly critical on country night. Don't lie Simon! You hate this- you bitch on country night each year! Whatever. (Star Wars character - Sy Snootles, lead singer of the Max Rebo band in Jedi.)

David A - Go, David A backlash, go! (PS- I hate Archuleta, but man I love Dolly! She's so sincere, and she just loves music so much. She can't help but sing with everyone, and cry, and I just love her!) Yes, Dolly surprisingly likes him, separating him from the others that she has hated tonight. What's the over/under on how many weeks until he sings that "You raise me up, so I can something something mountains. . ." by that one douchebag? Um, he is more the douchenozzle than he is the douchebag (this is obviously a subject I have written on before)! I didn't like that better than Carly, but I think he would have beaten Jessica Tripod's jazz dance routine at our HS talent show. I can honestly say I don't get that one, Steph. Wow - that was a weird note there in the middle. David A totally needs some Carmex during the song - with the lip licking already! I think even LL Cool J is embarrassed by it! Everyone loved the Archuletta, yadda yadda. The judges love him and his aura. I do not. (Star Wars character - that Ewok that tries to rape C3PO.)

The Colonel - The ghost of Dolly Parton says that her mom will be so proud (Of course I already knew this was a true story. Love you Dolly!), but KLC says "in this song, I would like 'mom' to represent America in the post 9-11 world. Please vote for me." This is in Kristy's "wheelhouse" so of course she will sound fine. Not blowing me away or anything, but this would sell records. She is cute and all again, and yes, I would still hit it like the fist of an angry God. Since this bores me, let's talk about Pickler from a few weeks ago. She sounded good! She just is very particularly suited to that twangy, stupid style of country. I mean, I hated it, but I was proud of her. (You didn't just fast forward through Pickler?) Back to the show - Randy says that it is in her "wheelhouse", and I double that entendre, and Carrie rolls her eyes. Randy said wheelhouse! OMG!!!! I rule! Chip says, What does wheelhouse mean? I say, That's just what Randy says on country night when the country singer sings! I rule! Simon is like, I really didn't think that my praise last week would keep you out of the bottom 3, so I am gonna criticize you somewhat. (Star Wars character - that one dancer that starts struggling against Jabba, so he activates the trapdoor and the Rancor monster totally eats that chick off-screen in an effort to make the monster seem scarier when it makes its first appearance when Luke is down there.)

Syesha - Singing a Dolly song, but let's be honest - it is a Whitney song. She does a really good job, and I liked it, and I hope it keeps her out of the bottom 3 this time. Well of course she picked this. Not sure about that hair. I am actually- that looks horrible. That was so horribly boring! When Dolly does it, it's full of emotion. When Whitney does it, it's full of technical superiority. That was just a bunch of loud notes. She was fine, but come on- there's no way to overcome the comparisons there. And Simon agrees. Finally. Sheesh - sorry I said anything! (Star Wars character - let's say this guy, based on the shape of her hair alone.)

Michael Johns - is a big fan of Dolly, because she reminds him of the older women he nailed while being a tennis instructor. My love for this guy is wrong but oh so right. He does sing the heck out of the song, I think. OMG his first concert. That is the cutest thing ever. He has done his best this season to combat cold neck syndrome, and I admire that. Of course I think this is great. I am at the point where I can not rationally critique Cook or MJ. Sorry- that's just how it is. They are running late, so we don't get enough praise for this guy. (Han Solo. Definitely Han Solo.)

I guess Asia'n goes home, with let's say, KLC and Syesha in the bottom 3. In summary: Dolly Parton is awesome, Asia'n is not. Holla!

4 comments:

Shannon said...

(Star Wars character - that Ewok that tries to rape C3PO.) --

WHAT? this is scary!

--stanfill

Stephanie said...

"David Cook went to the hospital after last night's American Idol show because of heart palpitations. He was treated and went home."- USA Today

Oh no- too much of his forehead was exposed to air, and his heart couldn't handle the extra oxygen!!!

Stan said...

You people are so insane! Thank you for sharing it with the rest of us, I laughed out loud through the whole thing. Most especially the ghost of dolly, that was so dead on it is ridiculous.

I think you've covered it all, but I'd also like to point out how ridiculously bad Asia'n's outfit was. I'm trying to give her credit since she wasn't alive in the 80s to know how bad that outfit was the first time around, but oh how painful.

I was kind of appalled that KLC didn't do better, it should have been her crowning moment, but just wasn't.

I felt that Brooke looked like she didn't take a shower when she first met Dolly, and I felt that was rude.

I like David Cook's new combover style, much improved, except there was some kind of dorsal fin going on in the back that I didn't understand.

I felt bad that Simon criticized Carley's outift, it totally hurt her feelings, as she has a normal woman's body and now she's caught with all the anorexics.

I'm glad you said the "wheelhouse" word, we rewound it three times and had no idea what they said. Simon says "I love country music." which is the biggest blatant lie of all time.

Stacey Greenberg said...

i actually think that simon saying that bs about carly's clothes will win her fans. or sympathy votes, at least.

jason castro won me back last night. david cook was kind of boring, but nothing could compete with that hair! yay! and michael johns was by far the best.

no, wait, the best was ryan seacrest talkingreallyfast!