My Belly!

Wow! According to Hillary I still haven't "popped" yet. Yikes! How big is this thing gonna get?

Ultrasound Part 2

Here is the newest batch of photos. The first one is remarkably clear, and the third one kind of looks like a goldfish, but that is the heartbeat in that photo. There is a fourth pic that got cut off, but it is blurry and looks like a teddy bear.

We have both been sick recently, but we have been monitoring the situation in case Carrie gets a fever. Carrie recently gave in to her craving and got some Taco Bell, which didn't stay down long. So we probably won't be making any more runs for the border any time soon. (Thank God! That stuff is just Alpo anyway.)

12 weeks today!

Introducing....

Finally the Finale

I love this stuff. I am on my feet clapping for the final two. The kids beg me to stop. Their teenage years are going to be a lot of fun for me. (bwahahahaa) We will be alternating between the TiVo of this and the Wings game. Priorities!

Good vs. evil, cute vs. ugly, guy next door vs. gay next door. We actually had a debate about Lambert's ugliness - I guess I think he is uglier than Carrie does. But yes, I want Kris to win pretty badly. Oh wait, he said "guyliner." Much worse, I think. Nothing wrong with being gay, but guyliner is just embarrassing. This is guyliner - Richard Alpert is just made that way. (Seriously though, every time they show Adam's total jock dad, we immediately blurt out "I love my dead gay son!" It's just a reflex at this point.") This is the first time in Idol history that my very favorite is going against my very least favorite in the finals. It's fun! My favorite is apparently dating Anoop now - good job Anoop.

Lambert- I think he's too theatrical. He bugs me. That said, this was my favorite of his crappy performances. We actually agree - not as much high pitched shreiking. Connor says, "It looks like he's walking on clouds!" Chloe says, "He's not yelling! He always yells!" Ha! Randy - wow, did he steal that outfit off a homeless guy? Is Randy colorblind? Did Scott personally choose this ensemble? Also, somewhere in the AI crowd, a 95 year old Anthony Hopkins is there applauding. What a weird celebrity sighting. Simon agrees with the theatrical. FINALLY. Chip has been waiting for him to say that all year!

Kris- Adorable, perfect, comfortable, smooth, fantastic. Plus, his face looks like that. Love him! Simon calls round one for Kris. Alright! You know, someone sings this song every season. Kris did a really great job, but I was pretty bored during the performance. Also, on my thoery of judges' bias - Randy says, I hope the Lakers win tonight, and you did a good job. Later in the show, Paula will call Adam "iconic". As for Kris? Good luck to Kobe and the Lakers. Just a bang up job by the judges this season. Really, on Thursday, Mary Murphy's blood curdling screams will seem like sagelike advice compared to Randy, Kara, and Paula.

Lambert- Change is Gonna Come. Uh, okay. No kidding. Will Kris be performing Strange Fruit? This is such an important song and so meaningful, the fact that they are having Lambert perform in his over the top, Broadway style is a disgrace to the song. This offends me much more than hard core pornography. Still - one of the greatest songs ever, of course they chose it for Lambert. What does Kris get, We Built This City on Rock and Roll? This suit is my favorite look of his all season, for what it's worth. I'm still not voting for him though. So what's left to say at this point? I love one and hate the other. Let's talk about Randy- this is his best outfit of the season too! Yes, if that is meant ironically! (We talked on the phone - we are really differing on Randy's suit tonight!) Kara says that she liked his interpretation, that you could feel the song - yeah, I got really angry about racial discord from Lambert tonight. Just some great commentary Kara. This is the song Rosa Parks listened to after MLK was assassinated, btw. I know that Lambert is just performing what they are making him perform with this song, so this commentary is more on the show than Lambert, even though I still don't like him. Oh wait, Lambert just started in with the yelling and the tongue, so I feel I need to comment on that. My comment is, Yuck. Put your tongue back in your mouth, and sing rather than shriek. Thanks. OK - we figured it out - Adam just performs, but he has no connection with the song. Carrie said that this is the first time ever that this song did not make her teary eyed. To me, it seems like he is an actor performing a song in a musical, not a singer singing a song at a concert. His disconnect is disconcerting, but at the same time, he would do great in Vegas.

Kris- Pride of Arkansas. . . I'm giving that one to Bill Clinton. But Kris can be second. What's Going On is a perfect choice for his style. Another song that could be on his album. Still though - a weak companion to Lambert's song. And another song that is important historically. Simon Fuller must be a total hippie. Also, I'm not sure I've mentioned this, but Kris is ADORABLE. That crooked mouth thing he's got going is just precious. Loved it. He was good and all, but totally at a disadvantage. He needed a showstopper type of song like Adam got, but he got one that sounded like something that some douche is playing on the quad with his buddies in an effort to pick up some freshman chicks. Plus, my favorite part of each season is when they give a contestant a song they have to sing, then criticize the song choice. Also, I love that Simon's shirt is unbuttoned to his navel. He is hilarious! The kids were like, What's up with his shirt? At dinner they were trying to impersonate his accent. It was awesome. Then I did Phoebe's impersonation of a British accent, a bit that has made Chip laugh consistently for like ten years now. Simon is right - give this round to Adam, but this is no fault of either contestant. The song choices were slanted. Have I mentioned that? Dear Simon: I would love to have Kris in my bedroom strumming along. What is the problem? Oh wait, I see what he's saying.

Lambert- He's going to sing the crappy single like he does, then Kris will sing it like he does, then it's up to us to vote for substance over style. I just hope this song doesn't mention unicorns and rainbows like Cook's coronation song did. Randy says, "You could sing the phone book! That wasn't the best though." BANG UP JOB by the judges tonight. Choice quotes from Chip: "This gives me a headache," and "That was a mess." Agreed. Also, Kara? Buh bye. Simon- Mountains and hurricanes- what? Oooh snap, Kara! But still- no magic rainbows. Next year's song needs to mention leprechauns. Yeah, not much to add here, except for the fact that 8 seasons in and the only winning song I remember is A Moment Like This. I am hoping for Adam to fail, but nothing personal against him, I just need to feel vindicated in the way I feel about him for some reason.

Kris- He just seems uncomfortable at first, and he misses some lyrics. Starts too low because he doesn't have Adam's range. But I don't care, because at least this doesn't give me a headache. It still doesn't make me happy. Also, DAMN Kris - good job on the wife selection! Too bad she is probably all Baptist and puts out once or twice a month. But if Kris wins, I'll smile when I flip past this on FM100. The judges are going to rip this- by far the pitchiest performance of Kris's career. He must hate singing this crap. You know, the few times that he was actually singing the song, he sang it better than Lambert and certainly connected with it better. Chip says, that was a mess too. That song is just a mess! Aw, Simon was sweet to him. And he smiled adorably! He's so cute!

It's 8:40 and I can't get through on the voting lines. I'll keep trying, though! I tried too! Tangent here - they get 3 numbers to call. How do you think the votes fall for each number? Lambert is 01, 03, and 05. Do you think they fall roughly 1/3 for each number? Does 01 get 40% and the other 2 lines get 30% each? Do you think more people call 05, thinking that they will have a better shot, or do they call 03 for the same reason? Do you think 01 is called most because it is first? I feel these are legitimate questions - when a proposal is on the ballot, more people will vote Yes than No, without fully understanding what they are voting for. This is why the wording is so important - also possibly the reason why gay marriage was defeated in California. If someone has an answer about the 01, 03, and 05 question, let me know! Until next season- Chockley out!

The Anniversary Song

Have you ever seen a sight as beautiful
as that of the rain-soaked purple
of the white birch in spring?

Have you ever felt more fresh or wonderful
than on a warm fall night
under a Mackerel sky,
the smell of grapes on the wind?

Well I have known all these things
and the joys that they can bring
And I'll share them all for a cup of coffee
and to wear your ring


Have you ever had the pleasure of watching
a quiet winter's snow slowly gathering
like simple moments adding up?


Have you ever satisfied a gut feeling
to follow a dry dirt road that's beckoning you
to the heart of a shimmering summer's day?


Well I have known all these things
and the joys that they can bring
And I'll share them all for a cup of coffee
and to wear your ring


And I don't know how I survived those days
before I held your hand
Well I never thought that I would be the one
to admit that the moon and the sun
shine so much more brighter when
seen through two pairs of eyes than
when seen through just one


Have you ever seen a sight as beautiful
as a face in a crowd of people
that lights up just for you?


Have you ever felt more fresh or wonderful
as when you wake
by the side of that boy or girl
who has pledged their love to you?


Well I have known all these things
and the joys that they can bring
And now every morning there's a cup of coffee
and I wear your ring


- The Anniversary Song

More Judges than Contestants

AI is a sausage fest! Carrie is all, has it ever been three guys before?

Gokey- Wow- TTdH? (Terrance Trent d'Harby?) Nice song choice, Paula! I love this. I would if I knew the song - Paula just picks something that was out when she was still relevant as an artist. I think Gokey did a great job with this song. He knows that dancing and moving on stage isn't his strength, but I worry that he is hiding behind the mic. OK, here he comes. Not too much- it's okay and he sounds great. The judges are horrible. Kara actually criticizes the dancing. She is the judge who is scared the most that Adam won't win. Be objective dude! This is a singing competition! Why are the girls focusing on that? Hey, know who else was horribly awkward on stage? Carrie Underwear. And now she's one of the two or three biggest selling Idol alums ever. Ha! Simon agrees with me that this isn't a dancing competition. Then he takes a shot at SYTYCD. That was weird. And then he and Paula embarrass us all. I am already embarrassed.

Kris- He is so cute I can hardly stand it. This song is not one of my faves, but inexplicably I know it really well. Even Connor says, We know this one! My thoughts on the song can be found in what I said to Carrie - "Hey, I am going to go poop while this is on, but I am going to let it keep playing. Don't pause it." Chip is worried about the falsetto. And Kris just does it the first time around, avoiding it artfully the rest of the time. This is really good, really solid. But most importantly, this sounds like something on the radio today. I actually agree with Randy, which is weird. This is the most contemporary, relevant performance we'll probably get tonight. Chip thinks Kris has a great career ahead of him, and I agree. I find it funny that Kara and Randy are grouped together for this one, and Simon is obviously choosing for the front runner - shows the judges' hierarchy somewhat. Kara is on crack. She is PARANOID that Adam won't win. She will love his next song, regardless of how bad it is. Paula complements Kara with the exact compliment Kara gave her regarding Gokey's song (something about staying in the tone that is best for him). Very original, Paula. She is crazy too. A bad note? I didn't hear it. Simon's t-shirt is covered with Paula's makeup. Klassy. Simon actually calls out Kara, which makes me very happy. Because yeah, don't pick a song for him and criticize him for singing the song. Seriously, what is with the judges tonight? They are horrible. I wanted to like Kara, but she has got to go. This whole dynamic is screwy and they are doing all this mugging for the camera then saying we don't have time for nine songs like we usually do when it's top 3 week. Weak!

Adam- Gag. (I think he has mastered that reflex.) This is horrible-sorry. I mean, each week I give him a chance, then he shrieks that horrible note, flings that tongue around, and generally sounds like Cher doing a cover of a U2 song, and I just can't like him. Carrie - "he sounds like a crying baby." I actually pause it where he has his tongue out - seriously, right now, put your tongue out past your lower lip and try to sing a note. It doesn't help or change anything! It is just creepy! Why are the judges so gaga over him? Kara likes it - wow! No real commentary from her, just some fellation. I'd expect that kind of poor taste out of the American masses, but not Simon- he usually hates this theatrical Broadway crap. Ugh! I hate that he's going to win. BTW - Michigan does NOT love Adam, contrary to that sign.

Carrie Underwear! I just mentioned her! Oh yeah, they totally didn't do the Idol Gives Back this season. Probably with the 4th judge and all or something.

Gokey- Eh. This is okay. His voice is great, but this is putting me to sleep. I thought it was meh, but the judges liked it. I checked my fantasy team while he was on - what is with Jake Peavy this year? I think I might try to trade him.

Kris - Love him! This is AMAZING. Yeah, he takes a terrible song and completely re-does it into something almost palatable. He is the one I want to win, since the best voice in this singing competition left us last week. And Kara, this is why he didn't do this the first time! Duh! He would have been in trouble if he'd done that twice. Chip is blown away. Kris is by far his favorite of this group- I agree, of course. His voice was just flawless. Love him. OK Kara, shut up. He should not have done that both times! So I just tried to vote, and the lines are temporarily busy. Are that many people voting, or are they having problems? I will vote for Kris before this night is over.

Adam- Sigh. Did Ryan just mention Cher? Ha! OK, the "classic" Aerosmith song, Cryin. This is one of their earlier songs, unlike Dream On, which only came out recently. Didn't I make fun of Kara last week for referring to this song in a similarly anachronistic fashion? The back up singer is working for her paycheck tonight- go on girl! This could almost be good, until he starts with the really high notes, which suck. OK, here's the thing. In past seasons, Adam would have really blown away the competition for me. I mean, he is obviously better than Hicks and McFee, Diana Digarmo, etc. However, this season all of the top three are exceptional singers. It's not like the others are duds and he is blowing past them or anything. I can honestly say that of the last three performers, I enjoyed his songs and his voice the least. He's not a bad singer, he is just grating. The other guys have voices that are smoother, and I just prefer their voices. My two cents - I am past the point where I even care. I can't imagine liking Lambert comparative to any other singer I have ever heard. I even prefer this guy. But then again, there is a lot of baggage that goes with each contestant from each season, so I can't say for sure either way. In fact, at the time I think we rooted for Taylor Hicks, but that was before the novelty of voting for the worst wore off. I just feel this year like I don't get the joke. OK, then the judges are like, Please vote for Adam! We like him best! Seriously, I had to go back to read Steph's email to see which one of us wrote that. Simon flat out says, please don't assume that he will be voted in, please vote for him. Whatever- I don't like that.

I guess I'm going to have to text my vote, because I can't get through on my land line and that sucks. And I am going to go watch the Ducks force a game 7. Dammit. Chockley out!

Four Crying Out Loud

So close to the end! Wow, everything is all jacked up tonight in the Idol studio!

Slash! He's no Buckethead.

Adam- that was yuck. I mean, if you like Adam you will like this. Also, if you like Adam, please try to explain it to me. Randy said it was rock and not Broadway. I disagree. I think it sounded very Broadway, very put on. He was trying way too hard. Kara - way to prove that you shouldn't be kicked off the show - that added nothing. And I don't like Adam's voice. At this point, I feel like it is 2004, Adam is Bush, and the voting public is still very wrong. I must say, this was one of the few times I just fast forwarded through Adam - his act is just boring now.

Allison Hirohito - Ugh, Janis Joplin. Her songs don't have melodies! She sure belted it out, though! Yeah, probably a good choice, but a bad one at the same time. I thought that was fine, but I'm now worried she won't make it until next week. Dude- she is totally about to cry here at the end while talking to Simon. I might throw her a sympathy vote just for that! Bless her heart. He was actually right though - he liked her better than the other judges, who just seem paranoid at this point that someone other than Adam will win. But yes, she should have sung something else. Also, she looked adorable with her pigtails, but tonight she looks like an old lady, even with the pink hair. It's weird.

Kris/Gokey - Our first duet- woo hoo! I like this duets thing - good idea. Plus, I am dorky enough to think when Ryan said there would be 6 songs at the beginning of the show, that every possible pairing of these 4 makes 6 songs, but it didn't work that way. I'm glad they didn't split this pair up- I'm afraid Allison and Lambert would have overpowered these two. Plus now Lambert and Allison can do this song. (Dude - Allison should have done Kiss Me Deadly!) Oooh, Renegade! Is this one of the Styx songs that just became available on RB2? I hope so! I hate to say it - I didn't know this was Styx. I do hate this song. I hate to say this, but I think Kris just got his ass handed to him by Gokey. Although I think they were both pitchy in spots, and that is the first time either of them has ever missed a note this whole season. I thought it was a close call, but I wish they would have done a better duet. (Dude - Gokey and Lambert could have done the whole I'm Growin' Hungry song, and Gokey could have done the Vedder and Lambert could have done the Cornell! That would have worked, even though the guy from Mother Love Bone would have rolled in his grave.)

Kris - And we come right back to Kris. He sure is cute. I hope he does something here. Otherwise I just don't even care who makes it until next week. OK, this is good. I like it. OK - Come Together - it is the Beatles. It is a classic. It is just, if I had to list my favorite Beatles songs in order, this probably wouldn't make the top 250. I think Simon is being too harsh! Dude - Simon gave maybe the best analogy that has ever happened - he says it is like eating ice for lunch! I'm gonna steal that.

Gokey - Tears in Heaven? Yesterday? I Miss You (Blink 182)? Oh, Dream On. I hope Gokey can pull this off. I need something cool to happen tonight. Plus I'm learning to like him. Hearing this on AI just makes me nervous. can he do it? I guess so. Yeah, I mean, I guess. I dunno. I'm sorry, did Kara just refer to Crying and Crazy as "early" Aerosmith? FAIL.

Lambert/Allison - OK, I have high hopes for this duet. It's good. I've heard better, though. I don't know what it is tonight- this show is just not awesome. Maybe my extensive RB2 playing has me biased. Chloe thinks maybe Carry On Wayward Son is what she would have sung tonight. I was think Heartbreaker by Pat Benetar. Or, that would have been good for Allison. I would have done something from Disturbed probably. Let me say - "Rock" week - it is just so broad, so many to choose from. I don't agree with the picks tonight at all - too easy, or too boring. Too much 70s rock - all those 70s rock songs have been overplayed and are just not exciting or interesting anymore. Slow Ride just isn't gonna be something that anyone is excited to hear. Pick something and make it special, don't just sing some crap. Gokey was terrible, but at least I remember him trying for that note at the end.

Only one more week. I hope I can stay awake that long. I'm ready to put this season behind us!

PS - the Wings just TOTALLY got screwed. Why did the ref blow the whistle? The puck was just sitting there uncovered in the crease! We got hosed. By a hoser. Sweet Jesus I hate Chris Pronger and the Ducks.

Five. Five Left. Five Left on AI.

So just me tonight, since we had a school assembly followed by a flat tire, followed by the fact that we didn't tape the early episode. Carrie can input later in the comments.

Really weird that we're already down to five! Really weird that this is the top 5. This feels like the 2006 NBA Draft. Three weeks left. I was reading in USA Today today that people have spent the whole season thinking Lambert and Gokey would be the final two, but Kris has had a late surge and is messing up that scenario. I'm so glad! I still can't believe Lambert is gonna win. This is so unsatisfying - I want Kris or Allison to win, but if they do win, I'm not gonna do cartwheels or anything.

Rat Pack-era standards- how is this gonna be? Probably boring. They need to bring John Stevens out of retirement for comedic value. At least Ricky and the band will be awesome. Oh Kris, you with your tie a little loose. . .mmmmmm. Nice shot of the makeup artist trying to cover Lambert's horrible skin. Ooof. Ha - Dane Cook is embarrassed by Lambert in HD. Ooooh, Jamie Foxx! Sweet! Yeah, um, for the Rat Pack week, let's pick a comedian turned actor turned singer who actually has no musical prowess at all. Weird weird choice. They should have had him as guest judge on "studio magic voice machine" week. I was just reading someone who said they always think about how ugly he was on In Living Color and then they think, Money sure does make you look good! Heh. Glad it's not just (fly) girls it works that way for. I hate to say this, but I am often horribly annoyed by Jamie Foxx. Always has that "thinks he's too cool but actually isn't" vibe about him. Then again, he still cracks me up from time to time. There is potential for a lot of eye rolling from me tonight, and potential to laugh. I just prefer Jamie Foxx not in front of a crowd - he seems more likeable when he is just being himself and not douching it up.

All Kris has to do to stay in the competition is keep looking like that. Yum. I will preemptively say that Carrie agrees.

Oh hell yes- a SYTYCD commercial! May 21!!! Best reality competition on TV. I can't wait. Yes - easily one of the best 2 reality shows on TV, and my favorite show of the summer. Steph - maybe we should recap that one too!!

Kris - Back to Kris, after than rude commercial break. The Way You Look Tonight tonight! I just made that joke! This song always makes me think of that Friends where Chandler give Monica the mix tape that Janice made him - Monica asks if The Way You Look Tonight is on it, and he is like, sure. (I know Janice actually sings on My Funny Valentine, but that song reminds me more of The Talented Mr. Ripley. Weird.) OMG- did Jamie Foxx just say something about performing the throat Olympics? I will totally perform the throat Olympics. Call me, Kris! Yeah, "Throat Olympics" is in the repertoire now. I'm watching him sing with a goofy grin on my face- my crush on him is embarrassing at this point. Even Chip has to admit it- that was NICE. Yes, very pleasant and boring and all. That's what we call the total package. Kara calls him a "dark horse", which is weird considering he has never been in the bottom 3 and is generally considered in the top 2 at this point. Then again, the judges have Lambert that far ahead. Aaaand, Simon says that performance was wet. I really can't add anything to that. Except that for me, that means it was a successful performance. I'm just saying. I don't know what that was supposed to mean either, except in a naughty way that I am glad you made the joke so I didn't have to! But Simon doesn't think he can win?

Allison - Allison looks really pretty. She sounds good, as always, but I think this isn't her best genre. She needs to rock! But this is solid. I thought she sounded good, and I guess she needed to take things down a notch this week. But yeah, I still fast forwarded. Randy just said a lot of confusing stuff. Brittany Murphy, Pink, no matter what other people say, I think that was good, etc. Whaa? At this point, a comparison to Brittany Murphy is an insult. Kara wants her in the finals- thank you, Kara. Paula has been waiting on her to sing a ballad. Since when, the last time she did one? This is like her third ballad, off the top of my head. I hate that my top two have already sung- we still have more than halfway to go! Simon - twice now has said something to the effect that he doesn't know if the contestant can win. I know he is trying to say that they should do better and all, but it seems like he is also asking them, why are they even trying? He just comes across as an asshole, when he is really trying to make a constructive comment.

Let's talk about the judges. Randy is wearing some kind of bead necklace that looks like a 10-yr-old made it. Last week it was a rainbow necklace, I swear! Kara looks beautiful, love that color. Paula almost looks awesome, but that dress is just a bit off. I think if there was only on thingy on the chest rather than one on each side, that might work. And Simon is rocking the black t-shirt, of course.

Matty G- did we have to give him an excuse to wear that hat? When I saw that hat again, this happened. Seriously though, he's cute. Dude - he finally says that he went to WMU! I KNEW IT! I was just joking the whole time, but it is just one of those things - the connection between that city and university is greater than Memphis and the University of Memphis, and greater than Ypsi and EMU. Last Wednesday, he was definitely the best dancer in the awesome, AWESOME Paula-choreographed dance number last week. Western! Jamie Foxx had actual advice there- interesting. Yeah, I am actually not bothered by him so far tonight! Let's see. Chip says he didn't change the key. I'm trying to take this seriously, but I'm afraid Janice ruined this song for me. I love you Chandler Bing!

(OK - when AI happens, I usually watch with Carrie and take notes, then go blog with Steph's email. Tonight, I just came in here after each singer instead of watching the whole thing, just so it would be fresher in my mind. The point is, I NEVER read Steph's entire email before I start writing. I say this because this is the third or fourth time now we have made the same specific joke, and I want to defend myself that I am not cheating about this. We really separately made the Friends reference - neither of us knew that the other would make that joke. I know this is an easier reference here than our random Cure joke a few weeks back, but whatever. Back to the show.)

This is good. Everyone is on point this week. Oh, Jamie Foxx wanted him to hold the last note but instead he did the throat Olympics. Sounded good, though. Also when I watch the show alone, I can fast forward through performances - like I did here! Oh, crowd, don't bitch at Randy- it was in fact pitchy in some spots. I can't stand his hat tonight - it really looks like he came in out of the rain for some reason. Like, the suit says "respectable guy", the hat says "homeless in the 1930s". You know, if you assume that Gokey and Lambert are going to make it no matter what, then I guess Matt is my pick to go home. Although obviously I want it to be Gokey or Lambert. Wouldn't it be awesome if the final three were Kris, Allison and Matt? Sigh.

Gokey. You know, they have performed in the order I like them. In case I hadn't made my preferences clear. Wow - you are exactly right! That is interesting. Gokey really does look better with the glasses. I was thinking the opposite - he looks like Robert Downey Jr in an almost uncanny way without the glasses though. He doesn't rock the contacts like Mom does! Congrats on ditching the specs, Ma. I'm glad the contacts are working for you. You'll get used to them, I promise. Back to Gokey- he was smart to put a little bluesy thing on this- that is where his voice is strong. It started kind of boring, but all of a sudden this is really good! He's moving on stage, but it's not horribly awkward, plus he's singing his ass off. Well done, dude. The last half of that song was great. Yeah - I listened to the whole thing for the first time tonight, which isn't saying much, but I did think he was good. Paula said she was going to keep this short, then stuttered over her short answer, then said a bunch of stuff anyway. I hate it, but I kind of agree with Simon here- that was a more memorable performance than the first three. I still liked Kris better, because he's smooth. Plus his face.

A-Lamb - Aaaah, Lambert. The spawn of the devil. Not really, the spawn of the devil rocks. In the "mentor session" they show him screaming and sticking out his tongue. Ugh. Here we go- I feel like I'm watching a Queen concert, only without a vocal as good as Freddie Mercury's. I get the feeling Adam has played the emcee in a performance or two of Cabaret. Who's with me here? I linked to a video of him at a cabaret last week! I hope he falls down those stairs... Oh, this is horrible. Sounds like a lounge act, but not in a fun Rat Pack way. Oh seriously, his win will be worse than Taylor Hicks'. Worse than American Beauty! Not as bad as Crash, but still pretty bad. Kara just said he was sleazy. Hee! Kara also said that her mouth drops open every week when he sings - YES! We have made that joke about the judges numerous times with Adam Lambert! Randy says it was a "little theatrical" - no shit. Simon even makes fun of that. Of course, when they have said that in the past, it has been a put down every single time until now.

And ironically, Taylor Hicks is performing tomorrow. Suck on that, Mr. President! (Of course Fox isn't showing his news conference. Whatever! Supermajority, bitches!)

AI Seven Redux

So, we get the top 7 again, and again Matt G and Lil will be in the bottom and will go home. Ryan says there is an unprecedented amount of pressure. Because each week has more pressure than the last? Then he can say that every week, right?

I like Anoop's scruff.

Getting right to it! No packages tonight - swish! This could be awesome- if Lil can't do I'm Every Woman, then she needs to go home. Let me rock you, Chaka Kahn, it's all I wanna do. Chip: "Damn- that booty be poppin." True- you can see every stitch of her thong in that outfit. I can't help but sing when she asks me to. I'm every woman! She finally picked the right song for her. Carrie says, yeah she maybe isn't the best like we thought she was. It just wasn't awesome. Although I imagine I'll be able to say that about everyone, because this season sucks.

So yes, Randy and Kara usually say the same thing. Paula says that Lil had no voice yesterday, as if that changes the fact that the performance was underwhelming. Is that Vince Neil? I think the little street cred that was left after The Surreal Life is now gone after appearing in the AI crowd without a teenaged daughter or something. There should only be three judges. I read in USA Today today that the producers considered every possibility for last week, including my choice, which was Simon and an alternating judge for each performance. That would have ruled- he's the only one we care about. And he's right- this is probably it for Lil. Too little, too late. I love that they always ask her to talk back. Memphis. Yes. Allow me to say, Kara looks really hot tonight. But yeah, seeing closeups of Lil's face was rough just then. They have destroyed her will to perform right now, and I just hope she goes home so I don't have to watch the judges judge her anymore.

Kris - Cutie Patootie has an acoustic guitar. Rule. Ooooh, She Works Hard For the Money. I don't think this is a disco song. Chip predicts a David Cook-esque performance. I don't know- would they put him second? He's already cuter than everyone else! He sounds very contemporary. Ricky Minor is winning this round. Yes sir! Except that we love Kris, and we loved that. His vocals are flawless, his arrangement was original- we LOVED it. Yeah, that was better than expected - good job, my new favorite! I dare the judges to be asses. I will cut them all out of my will. OK yes, that could go on his record. Did Paula just say that? I didn't really get it at first either. What a weird thing to say. Simon: threadbare white t-shirt. Even Chip, who wears undershirts too often, wouldn't wear one that is see-through. All this talk about Kris's underwear, I have to say- I don't care what kind it is, it would look great on my floor. Hey-O! That was Chip's favorite performance of the season. He's right- this season sucks. That was the high.

Danny- I'm going to dance- be back in a bit. Dude, I love this song. Good job Gokey! Carrie says, is this song about losing someone?! She wasn't being facetious, she was asking honestly. Vince Neil liked it! But let me say- that was AWESOME! The only Gokey performance I've ever loved! Know why? Not about his dead wife! (Seriously, if I see on the internet that his anniversary is in September, I will be PISSED.) (Seriously for me, I checked the lyrics online to see if the song really mentions September 21, or if that was the date his wife died or something.) Yes, Kara, his pitch was great. It actually is every week, he just combines it with boring and maudlin so I hate it. That, though, I loved. My first time. Also, though, Simon is right- he is so awkward on stage! The other reason I loved it was because I was dancing rather than watching. Made a big difference- he sounds like less of a douche than he looks, it seems. He gets bonus points for song choice. PS - my song choice for disco week? To just do the guy part on Take a Chance on Me by the Swedish supergroup Abba. But seriously, Tragedy or Nights on Broadway.

Allison- Chip does not think that rubber outfit she's wearing looks comfortable. He's probably right. It's safe, though! Badoom-cha! Dude - I was thinking the same thing, that I wish she was really hot and that she wasn't 16 when wearing that outfit. It is well established that I love Allison. She sounds awesome, this is fun, her hair doesn't look like ass. A win all around! Also- 16. She's sixteen! Jeebus. We said the same thing - 16?! She is our favorite, but barely holding off a surging Kris. Randy and Kara didn't like the arrangement - this show is no longer a singing contest, but now also a contest of how well you can redo songs to fit your style. I do agree- I didn't love that arrangement. She's just such a good singer! She, along with Kris (and probably Gokey) have the best vocal chops. Never pitchy. It just has to do with whether you like the person or not (sorry, Gokey). Paula just said that "the word 'compromise' does not belong in her musical library. Um, sure. Simon loved her! yay! Simon says that was a brilliant performance. Thank God.

Lambert- Whatever, I hate this guy. Carrie - I think I hate him worse because of the judges' reactions. He picks disco night for a ballad? Ugh. My entire notes: "Adam - If I Can't Have You." I left the room because I can't stand to look at him. Seriously, does Clay Aiken have incriminating pictures of Randy and Steve Perry or something? (Even funnier if you have a gay friend named Steve Perry like we do.) Why do they act like Adam is the best by a mile? He screeches! Dude - every single other season, Simon criticizes when something sounds too "cabaret". Which is literally HOW ADAM SINGS!! They also criticize something as too Broadway, which, um, here, but with Adam it is all apparently okay. Randy called Allison "overindulgent" tonight, btw. Just saying. I mean, that was okay, but not better than Kris! That was boring and screechy, plus he looks like that. Horrible. Is he just picking bad songs on a dare just to see what the judges say? To see if he can get them to be like, Just A Swangin' is totally awesome! I felt that! I can't believe you're out here on the front porch in this swang! (OK, I would like Lambert better if he sang that.) But seriously, Play that Funky Music. He already sang it on a week that wasn't disco week. Sweet, at least Simon threw in a gay joke. He's wrong, though- I won't remember it, plus the vocals weren't immaculate. They just were NOT.

Matty G - Stop it with the hat. Seriously, stop it. It is a disgrace to everyone who has died fighting overseas. I mean, it doesn't have anything to do with that, but I got nuthin. Staying Alive. Well, it's what Justin would pick. I'm actually surprised this isn't all in falsetto. Well, he is doing that thing where he has a faux lisp, but it isn't a lisp, it is just a faux "pronouncing your 's's like 'sh's, if that makes sense. Think of how Six says "Gaius". It's good! I know this isn't saying much, but I like it better than Adam. I mean really, I'm trying to understand where the judges are, and I can't. I'd rather a little bit of soul hidden in a karaoke disco performance than the bullshit that was Adam Lambert's craptastic performance. Seriously, he could take a dump on the stage and they would praise it, then tell Lil and Matt that they sucked. OK, Randy, we have to disagree with you about this being a talented group. Although Chip disagrees with me! He thinks maybe they are really talented, it's just that none of them were likeable. I disagree. These people suck ass. But this was really good, relatively. Seriously, Kara has to compare him unfavorably to Lambert? Judging FAIL. OK - here is my biggest gripe of the whole show tonight - Kara says that Matt should have made it sound original like Lambert did - seriously, the most original performance of the night was Kris. Followed by Allison. Lambert did some stuff that I wasn't as familiar with, and it sounded like every other slow song he has done. Matt G was just boring tonight, and he has hit his ceiling in terms of sticking with this show, don't get me wrong. I just hate it when the judges compare someone to Adam, as if he is the basis of all comparison - can't they see that Adam is polarizing and not everyone is willing to get down on their knees for him? Yes, Steph - Judging FAIL indeed!!!

Anoop - Nice with the scruff. I can't believe he grew that in one week. Maybe he just trimmed down his eyebrows and glued them to his face. WTH? I like the scruff, but what is this song? He's singing it really well. And his dimples are adorable. I love this outfit. The suit, with pink sweater and sneakers? Awesome. His best frat boy outfit to date. He ends the song on a bad note, and he totally knows it. So does Randy. Ooof, that note was a little sharp. This is a cute performance and all, but this isn't a winner. He knew he missed that last note! Heh. He and Lil can go home. I'm fine with that. I mean, I'd prefer Adam, but you know. (Just so you know, every week- they show Anoop's parents and Chip says, "Anoop shall COME again!" Really, every week. Also? I laugh every week.) Isn't hee- eeee Pretty in Piiii -iink.

Recaps:
Lil-Itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face. Please vote her off, this is painful to watch.
Kris-Favorite ever this season. Probably the most marketable left.
Fun- Gokey! Moving on after his wife's death! Do you rememba? Da-a-a-ancin in Septemba?
Allison- Rocking! She is Black Cat-level Janet! Even with Kris on my depth chart right now.
Lambert- Oh God, that's worse even in retrospect! Like The Big Bang Theory - I just don't get it despite multiple viewings.
We loved Matt! Good use of the past tense.
Anoop- eh. Last note was much better during dress rehearsal, though! Hi, I'm in Delaware.

One last thought on Adam Lambert's performance - I don't like looking at it. It's creepy, and in bad taste, and it's just offensive to me. It makes me think of the horrible, frigid stage mothers who force their babies into it. It's kitsch. It's the opposite of art. It destroys art. It destroys souls. This is much more offensive to me than hardcore porno.

Chip, after the recap, reiterates his belief that they are all really good technical singers. He just hates all of them except Kris, and that's just a little bit. Really- worst group ever. I would welcome a Sanjaya at this point. Isn't that sad? Damn you, season eight!!!!

AI - Magnificen't Seven

So, Steph is puking or something, so her comments are abbreviated. Then again, this felt like an abbreviated episode of AI, so whatever. Hope you feel better sis!

The theme tonight is "songs from movies", and Quentin Tarantino is helping. I may have spelled that wrong, I don't care. Dude looks like a caricature of Bob Hope at this point. Plus, Carrie can't get over how weird his body looks, and how poorly he is aging. BTW, Tarintino is hilarious. Whisky Tango Foxtrot, Idol?

My song choice for this week? Someone actually performs it this week. If I lost the drawing for that song and had to pick another? Burn, Nine Inch Nails, Natural Born Killers. I am so badass. (OK, Let's be honest here - it would be I Could Have Danced All Night. Or this.)

Allison - I love her, that was just okay. Carrie doesn't think she is connecting with the music. Whatever - Silvio thought it was good, what else do you need, people?! Also, the thing that is annoying me most this season is the judges' love for Adam and Adam alone, really. Paula, I swear to God, starts off by saying to Allison, "you know I love Adam". Seriously, that is what she said. Then Simon says, "Lil can't win". This is the feedback Allison has been getting. Simon says she was really good this time, and Carrie is like, she has been good this whole time, jackasses, you are just now finally noticing.

Anoop - Anoop was flawless. (Well, except for the jacket.) His best performance ever. This is the second straight lame 90s song played for slow dances at middle schools. Randy is wearing a rainbow necklace - I don't know if this is a subtle show of Adam support or not, but it is weird. But yes, Anoop was great tonight.

Adam - Oh sweet Lord, here we go again. Let me just say, I giggled uncontrollably the whole time. That is all I will say. Carrie thinks he is solely theatrical, that he flips a switch and acts his performance, and has no soul behind anything he sings. I say that it is almost like he is doing a parody of someone else's parody of him. It is unreal and weird. Lambert plays Jack Nicholson in the Broadway version of Easy Rider. Or something. I get it, he's a "star" and owns the stage and all, but he's still just eh for me. Paula is just saying some words, and Simon is openly mocking her. nice! Yes! Rocky Horror. Man I love Simon.

Matt G - I just can't handle those douchy hats, dude. Jasuck Mraz wears that shit, and he is the worst human in human history. The hat is more a device used to introduce a stream of water into the body for medical or hygienic reasons than a hat. Oh Matty- this is a no. Especially after Anoop pwn3d Brian Adams already. Oof - he lost the pitch after his first foray into falsetto- that was rough. Not one of his top 3 performances. Randy - "The thing for me for you is..."

Gokey -needs his glasses. Endless Love. Is this song about your wife dying? I think so! I think it is more about when Stevie Wonder and Scott played tennis a few weeks back. Hey-O! This guy is such a whore. Carrie and I paused before to guess what song he would sing, and we brainstormed songs where someone dies. I said Against All Odds, but then again, I don't know if that is about someone dying or not. Carrie - "Tears in Heaven!" If next week is Bad Pearl Jam Songs That Are 50s Remakes week, he is doing Last Kiss. Easy. Simon can't bear to hear Paula talk tonight. That's hilarious. Also, I hate the fact that he doesn't get to comment after everyone. His is the only opinion I care about. Simon wishes that there was a 47 year old cat lady on the show this week. (Seriously - almost 5 million views, and the clip got posted on Saturday. Made Carrie cry.)

Kris - OK, the show is over, I am totally on board with this kid now, he has picked the best song ever. A song that was on my wedding iPod for crying out loud! Just an awesome song - I didn't hear him because I was singing too. This is the best moment of the show all season.

Another duet being sung by one person. But this song is awesome, is so romantic, and Kris is so gorgeous that I'm sure this will sound great. Seriously, every woman my age is in love with this song. He just won the 35-yr-old almost-cougar vote. I could cry. This is what Gokey wishes he could pull from my cold cold heart. You the MAN, Kris! (Like seriously, I just went to YouTube to watch the real version of Falling Slowly, and I cried AGAIN. That song owns me.)

Lil - The Rose - Carrie thinks Lil has lost weight. She didn't like this performance as much as I did. Lil looks great, but why is she singing an old white lady song? BTW, Lambert should have done this one. Hee! At least Lil gave it an R&B flavor. But still, this isn't good. She is snippy to Simon - especially after his shot at her earlier in the show, I can't blame her. Lil is such a Memphis woman right there, talking back to Simon like that. That sounds like home to me. She just needs someone else to choose her songs. I hope she doesn't go home, but I think it might be near the end for her, and what a disappointment.

That's all I have time to type- must vote for Kris until time runs out. I agree - Kris won the night, and might be my new favorite from that. I am still rooting for the person who isn't Lambert to win it all though.

The 8 Contestants left on American Idol

Before we get started, here is a rant from Steph about how this season is the suck:

Time to have this discussion: Is this the worst season of American Idol ever? I've read columnists who have stopped short of saying that, but have really hinted at it. Then randomly some guy in my office, who I never talk to about AI, said, "Is this the worst season ever or what? I just don't really like anyone. I don't look forward to anyone in particular." I was like, Yes! I mean, there are things I've liked, but I don't get excited about anything ahead of time. Other than bitching about it, of course. So maybe this is actually the best season ever! Carry on. I can say that this is the worst season, because normally I enjoy hating it - this season, I don't even enjoy that. Part of me enjoys the Sanjayas and the John Stevenses and all - this year, it is like, I would almost be content to just see who get voted off and maybe watch the finale.

A song from the year you were born! I hear the theme while in the other room and shout "Killing Me Softly!" I've looked up 1973 at least eight times now. Other choices include The Joker, Cherry Cherry, You're So Vain, Let Me Be There, Rocky Mountain High, Midnight Train to Georgia, Ramblin Man (I rock that shit on RB2), I Can't Stand the Rain, and my dream 1973 song, D'yer Mak'er. For me, 1976 - let's just say my choice was my favorite song of all time until it was ruined by an SNL skit involving cowbell. Seriously - Don't Fear the Reaper is on Rock Band 2 and I sang it in front of my niece and nephew - I never want to sing such an awesome song about suicide in front of them again. I mean, outside of Rock Band. Allison is going to sing something by Evanescence. God I'm old. I was thinking, when she was born, I was a sophomore at White Station. Sing some PJ!

OMG those pictures are so cute! I can't take it. Baby pictures of our judges- adorable. Dude - the keep showing the creepy bald guy from Fringe in the audience - if no one watches that show, it is a really creepy guy to just keep showing. Maybe it is just to get people talking about the show or something.

Lil looks good tonight. Good.

Starting quickly. . .

Gokey's Old Ass- 1980? Let's look up what would be the perfect song...All Out of Love, Air Supply. More a break up song than a dead wife song, but he could make it work. He starts sharp. Stand By Me. American Idol - are you ready to soft rock? He gets going quickly after the rough start. Very pleasant. Carrie - horrible arrangement. Me - it does actually sound like it is from 1980. Randy is hating on the arrangement- dude, this is the arrangement that allowed him to sing it for his birth year. Mickey Gilley? Sure. Anyway, that's fine.

Cutie Patootie - This is fun and relevant. This is a terrible song to begin with. And makes me feel old. Chip says, "OK, I'll buy that. I mean, I wouldn't actually BUY it, but I buy that arrangement." Heh. What is with the crowd thing - he was born in 1985, not 1968 when Elvis had his comeback special. Hot wife, but gigantic other family member. His figurative and literal biggest fans are side by side. OOoohh, the judges are harsh. I don't think so. Simon is really starting to wear out the whole "indulgent" thing. Totally on his word of the day toilet paper, and he needs to eat more fiber or something so we can get no descriptors. I thought that was a fun arrangement, and thought he was cute. Of course, I would prefer Rasberry Beret from 1985. Or Things Can Only Get Better. In Between Days, The Cure. I don't know if Mormons are aware of the Cure though.

Lil- Born in Memphis- like my kids! And my wifey! Good song choice, Tina Turner. You know, I thought so too until I heard it. Better song choice for Lil - Last Christmas by Wham!, or Alone Again by Dokken, or Darling Nikki. That outfit is flattering. This is best performance in a while. (Although, she could have done You Give Good Love. Or In My House by the Mary Jane Girls!) And the judges are about to rip on her! Kara and Carrie both note that she is weak in a lower register. Crap. Chip thinks she just looks "old" in that Melinda Doolittle way, that she can't come off at young. I feel a little bit like that, that it surprises me that she was born in the mid-80's because she seems my age. Chip agrees with Simon about the "copycat" thing too. I do worry about Lil- she just hasn't ever brought it in the way we assume she can. Now I wonder if she actually can- am I just imagining this, or did she blow us away at one point? Yeah, everyone is saying that she is overrated - I have had my blinders on because of the whole Memphis thing, so maybe she is. She still gets my vote, if I cared enough to vote. Also, I knew "Lil" came from "Lilly"!

Anoop- He sounds great, really. I hate that he died on House last night. My notes - "no surprise suicide from this guy tonight!" Stop stealing my notes woman! 1986- he really should have done Higher Love! Angel of Death, Slayer. Or In Between Days! Woah - holy crap, you just made my In Between Days joke! I swear to everyone that we came up with that independent of each other! Holy crap!! Have I mentioned how old I am? Randy with the Tarheel reference. Randy said, "Congratulations North Carolina, you guys worked it out!" Hee! He only speaks in cliches at this point! Nuke LaLoosh should be taking notes! I've already forgotten that happened last night. I'm too smitten with Josh. You know, after trying to buy into the hype that Michigan is hurting and we all need to root for the Spartans, I was kind of happy to see them lose, even though I hated seeing mouthbreather win it all. Still - I can't stand MSU's smugness about their basketball team and the fact that Michael Moore wears Sparty hats, not UMich hats. Also, AI makes me feel old, but now Memphis' coach is younger than I am.

Scotty Too Hotty - Aw, little baby Scott pictures is going to win him some votes! OK, I was going to look us some 1985 songs for him (Lay It Down, Ratt), but none would be this perfect for Scott. The Search is Over! Carrie - "Oh, it's THIS song! Couples Skate!!!" I'm glad his hair is better this week. This is good for him. I mean, it's pitchy, like you would expect, but still. Nice work using the guitar instead of piano. Oooh no, the big note was so wrong. I love that song, and it was a good choice for Scott, but ultimately he's just not a good singer. Yeah, I do like the Scott, but I think this might be the end. But he is really funny- his "punk" side. Ha! He does have a fun sense of humor. I'd enjoy getting a drink with this guy. Assuming people born in 1985 are old enough to drink. Dude - it is 1988 that people can drink. Which is even scarier.

Allison- 1992. Shoot me in the head. OK, she's singing a song from when Chip and Heather broke up. And she's awesome, of course. OMG- she could have done Baby Got Back! Or Smells Like Teen Spirit. Bitches Ain't Shit, Dr. Dre. Wow. But really, what would have better than Tennessee? I'm kidding. OK - Seriously, I think I know all the words to all of these. She ruled that song. Doesn't matter what she sings, really- she's the best and most consistent. I love her. I am just glad the judges judged her singing this week instead of being asses. Again.

Matty G- Dude - he was born in Dearborn, and at some point his family moved to the Zoo. Or he went to Western and just stayed out there after college. Who lives in the town they moved to for college? Still - born in 1985 (not stillborn in 1985) in Michigan - at some point, he had a big poster of Steve Yzerman on his bedroom wall. His family took him to a Wings game where both Joey Kocur and Bob Probert got into fights. More 1985! Yeah, is this 1985 thing something that Malcolm Gladwell needs to put in his addendum to Outliers? Part-time Lover. Perfect choice. Well, The Goonies Good Enough would have been the perfect choice... This is great, right in his "wheelhouse." Much better doing something a little funky rather than something douchey like The Fray. Hey - we liked him too, but he also dressed like it was 1985, am I right? I think he picked that out at the Neverland garage sale. And they rush through the stupid judges, since they won't have time for Adam otherwise. They love him, briefly. Thank goodness- I can't sit through four judges each time!

Adam- Uh, that's all the time we have, folks. My DVR didn't get that. Wow. I mean, I don't like Adam, but I certainly wanted to see him! Damn. Plus we have a DVR instead of a TiVo, and it sucks and doesn't actually turn to the channel it's recording, so I can't just rewind the current show. Sigh. I'll assume I would have hated it, but that the judges loved it.
Chockley- out!
OK - our TiVo cut off too, but I pay $2 extra a month to get west coast Fox, so I am determined to stay up and watch the late one, because Steph, Chip, and Carrie are all in bed at this point. Especially since I will already be taping Fringe. I never gave up on Pacey's show. Dude - he was in the Ducks movies. He has earned it. Still - you are about to get my recap and mine alone, so I will try to be as honest and thorough as I can be.
Adam Lambert - born in 1982. His dad says that he loved everything...except sports. Adam says that he preferred to play dressup and wear different costumes and all. Nature 1, nurture 0. What song will he be...oh frak, it is that song that I LOVE, that song from the end of Donnie Darko about the dreams in which I am dying are the best I've ever had. Great song. (PS - the other day in the car, we had a discussion where this song came up as possibly the most emo song of all time, up there with Paint it Black and Bela Lugosi's Dead.) So Adam sings this awesome song all gay and chubby and pockmarked (is he the emo ejo?). OK - here I go again - really, his voice is a joke. Male falsetto is NOT difficult at all to sing. I can sound like a frakking opera singer with my falsetto, it doesn't make me a good singer. I actually do an impression of Lambert's "singing" that is so spot on that it can make Carrie ROFL. Seriously here - I actually laughed at the last note that he hits. It wasn't a planned laugh - totally involuntary - it was just that bad. So the judges - Simon is like, "we are short on time, so only I get to speak" - then he gives him a freakin' STANDING O!?!??!?!? It wasn't even a sarcastic slow clapping standing O, but actual serious applause! What am I missing? Not only was it bad, but it was laughably bad!

Then again, I could have just stopped and instead I waited up to see what he did. So there's that. But still - this is like me reading the articles about the recruits that Memphis is losing because of Calipari leaving - I am reading them but not enjoying them. I talk about them, but I get no pleasure from it. With Lambert, I just feel it is comparable to 5 Fast 5 Furious taking the weekend box office - it seems to have so massive appeal to the American populace even though it is crap. So from now on, assuming no DVR mistakes, I will just leave the Lambert discussion up to Steph. I am fascinated by the fact that I don't get it, but I don't know if I care enough anymore to put forth the effort. He will win after getting saved one week. That is my prediction. Enjoy!

American Idol "Top" 9

This is their moment! This. . . is aMERican Idol!

The judges! Paula's outfit is ridiculous. Kara is perfection. As is Ryan, as always. Is it possible I don't know the theme? I didn't even know after the show was over. Something about downloads? How did I not look that up already? "Down to our top nine." As if that's anything to brag about! That's more than two more months of this crap! Only 2 months until SYTYCD! Aw, Simon thinks Ryan is amazing. They are adorable. In the movie version of their lives, they will be played by Jason Segal and Paul Rudd. Wait, what's that? You don't say! I was going to say that Simon and Paula are totally work husband and work wife, but Simon and Ryan are totally work BFFs. You know, the guy you get along great with at work, but only hang out with once or twice a year outside of work and work related functions.

OK, WTF does Allison have on? Is she really that wide? That is weird looking. Here we go- what is the theme, Ryan! Don't make me go to Google! Any song that's popular on iTunes? What does that even mean? Is this any song that is available for download? Isn't that like any song ever recorded? And also, who cares? They should always get to pick whatever they want! Yeah, I think this is about any song ever, with a sponsor shoutout to iTunes. Enough rope to hang themselves- it's a beautiful gift. To them, and to us. Steph - you sounded like Jacob from TWOP just then!

Anoop! Usher! This is fun already. I secretly love Usher. Why is Anoop wearing Michael Jackson's jacket? I thought maybe he was just dressing like an usher, until I found out that he was singing Usher. Why are the backup singers not as good this year? Why does this performance seem flat? The reason this performance seems flat is because it is actually flat. Is it because there's no choreography? No, because Anoop did this show on a dare and can't get out of it. I guess in my head I see choreography when I hear this song. I think that was good, though- I love Anoop, I loved when he sang My Prerogative. OK, Randy kind of agreed with me, which is weird- the vocals were great, but that song is a miss without the dancing. Kara said something gorgeous. I didn't hear it, I was distracted by her cute freckles. Why are those frat guys booing her? Dude - she was like, your frat brothers are here cheering you on because they dared you to even try out. Also, yes - cute freckles, although sometimes she makes really sour faces. Paula: ". . . blah blah balladeer." Chip: "Oooh, a big word!" Simon actually looks at the judges while Paula is talking and is like, WTF? Simon goes to the "complete and utter mess" card early tonight! He's right, the arrangement wasn't awesome. That headache business was harsh, though. Anoop totally is like, I would just like Kara to know that she can go eat a dick. I say it every week, though- Anoop is so cute! I love him- whatever. I know he wants to be an R&B artist, but how can that happen? I dunno- weird. I've spent too much time on Anoop. So have the judges - odds are, they rush whoever goes last so that they can go to this stupid Ozzy show coming up next.

Megan- Says she is going to do a Bob Marley/Lauren Hill song, which shows that she only knows the latter version and just now found out it was a remake. OMG! I got a text earlier (around 7:15) from Heather that said, "Bob Marley? Really?" I had no idea what she was talking about, but I just suddenly got it. Ha! Megan thinks the judges will feel her this time. I don't know what that means - I have been feeling her this whole time! She is my Stranger! Shannon just made a dirty joke. Yeah. Let me just say - I would not want her voice operating on me - it is shaky enough that it would nick an artery and cause my ears to bleed. Really, I wonder if she is nervous because the judges keep beating her up and she has zero confidence. OK, it's just a shame that she's not a good singer. Her pitch is a disaster. At least she looks the part this week, quirky, cute, etc. But my ears are bleeding. Jinx. It's like my senses are competing- the eyes are happy, but the ears and my nerves are hurting. Chip: "Was that a little 'muppet' at the end?" No, Kenneth, it wasn't. Kara is like, "boobooboo", and I think she forgot the last "b". Oh, and some guy totally just got asked to leave the building. Oooh, "indulgent." Our favorite Simon word! Also, Simon says, "The problem was, is that..." Chip: "With Sarver gone, I can't imagine anyone will be worse than that." Ouch.

Gokey. I pour my second glass of wine. What Hurts the Most (is listening to any song) by Rascal Flatts. I'll assume that's a rhetorical question. I'll take this opportunity to discuss Tropic Thunder, which I saw this week. Hilarious! Robert Downey Jr. was fantastic, then did the audio commentary for the DVD in character. Back to Gokey- he should have done a Michael Bolton song! Sounds just like him. That violin is out of tune, so I'll let that answer the titular question. I'm sure the judges are going to say things, but I just can't care. Wait- they loved it? I guess I can't see past Rascal Flatts. Thank you. I felt so bored by this song that I zoned out and thought about how I prefer sea salt over kosher salt on fresh heirloom tomatoes. He sings well and all, but he is totally Carrie's guy this year. Yeah, Danny's voice is fine. But still. I really have about 2 notes on Gokey - Chicago apparently loves Gokey, according to several signs, and he totally has a fan club up front to pick wife #2 from. (My wife #2 just performed a Bob Marley song, btw.)

Allison- Guitar! Don't Speak! Fun. Oh no- she "grew up" listening to this song. My old ass just cried a little. (PS - my "feeling old" story from the week came from mgoblog.com, where they had a picture of a recruit for next year's class posing in a Michigan helmet when he was 10 - this was from 2002.) I spent my 20's wishing Gwen and Tony would get back together. Then she married the hotness that is Gavin Rossdale. FTW! I saw a picture of their older son on people.com this week, and he is just gorgeous- looks just like dad. The women of the world are in trouble. Anyway, I love Allison. Me too, even though she has the nose of a bulldog. That was awesome, despite how silly she looks tonight. Oh damn, Randy. You didn't have to say it out loud! See, Kara said it better- you're 16, you're trying too hard with the look, but you don't have to. OH SNAP! Maybe I was just the only people who wasn't bothered by the outfit. It really just seems like something she would wear. I am surprised that Randy and Simon were that bothered by it that they commented on it over her singing. They are out to get her - at least Simon didn't draw on Paula instead of offering any actual feedback. Paula just said "axe." Hee! My notes read: "Paula - axe? Who wrote that for her?" I'm voting for Allison. Shut up, Simon. She's precocious because she's 16.

Blindy McGee- I have to say, I totally want to hang out with Scott. He is hilarious. Last week with the whole pink jeans thing, and when he wanted Ryan to give him a high five...he just seems very self aware for someone who we assume isn't as self aware because of the whole blind thing. I would rather go play Snood that actually have to watch his performance, but I like this kid and suddenly want him to do well! Chip wants to know if we can just skip him. Billy Joel! Of course! Oh, he wants to show his heart and emotion. As opposed to other weeks, when he showed us what a hard-core rocker he was. What, do you want him to run around the stage? Sitting at a piano for a piano song is his ceiling! There is a reason why Jeff Healy, Ronnie Millsaps, Stevie Wonder, and Ray Charles all come on The River 104.5 FM. His hair is worse than Allison's, let's say that first. My notes - "did his own hair this week". Secondly, oh man this sucks. Cheesy, off-key, hold up- is that chest hair? Ooof- this is horrible to see and hear. Please, America, stop voting for him just because of you-know-what. Yeah - I like him personally, but it might be time to go. Let Megan Joy stick around for as long as possible so I can file away as many mental images as I can in our limited time together. Paula, "Scott, let me just say, of all the contestants who have graced the stage. . ." you are the blindest. "I am proudest of you." Then she says another music word that was fed to her by a writer who is laughing right now. Paula - domo, arigato, Mr. Legato. (Legato is the opposite of staccato.) Really, next week someone needs to write "San Diego - go fuck yourself" to see if she would say it. Does she have an earpiece where someone is feeding her lines? Legato? Really? Chip points out that there is nothing at all contemporary or relevant about Scott. No producer in the world could make him relevant to today's music scene. Period. President Chip does not like blind people. If Matty G wins, then Scott can take his old job.

Matty G- The Fray. Ugh. Did you know that you can't spell "The Fray sucks infected monkey balls" without T-h-e-F-r-a-y? Think about it. Someone from the iTunes era! Good choice for him, I think. Well, if he wants to sing a suck song by a suck band. Why did he start playing over Ryan? Show some respect, son! That started rough, but then settled down. Cool, playing the keyboard out in the crowd. Chip thinks he's impersonating the guy. I hope not - that band The Fray sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen bands suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked. I gotta go - my damn wiener kids are listening. I don't know- they have a similar tone though. I'm voting for Matty. I also want Matt G to do well. Just stop with this bad poppy stuff. They say One Republic, but they are terrible in the same vein as these other guys. I just like that he sang song from the past five years. Come on, people! It wasn't jumpin' off for Chip. Paula is stuttering at this point. Paula knows the lead singer of the Fray's name - someone did that research for her. But she is making a valid point. He does better with runs and JT-ish stuff than he does with Chris Coldplay/Fray/Douchey stuff.

Lil- Oh, is she singing I Surrender? Yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is my Idol audition song! Do it Lil, please do it! I love this song way too much. Don't think less of me. OK, because I love this song so much, I know that Lil has missed most of the words. Also, this isn't doing it for me. Maybe she'll pull it out on the big finish, though. Not really. Wow - she really did not do a good job. Carrie shared that same sentiment, but I almost think she was hesitant because we both want her to do well. Kelly Clarkson knocked this song out of the park when she sang it, with the flu, back in season one. Lil did not. Ugh. I'll vote for her just to spite Coach Cal (please don't get me started on that), but I won't feel good about it. Paula's right, again! She shouldn't be adult contemporary, she should be R&B. Why does she always pick the wrong song? Yeah, when the judges started in on song choice again, it was like, ugh. Always! Maybe next week. . .

Robbie Rotten- again! Oh lordy. So did they have iTunes back in 1976? I don't really understand the theme, I think. I was very wrong. I think it was available for download for wedding DJs who like to play shitty music. I was hoping it would lead them to pick out contemporary songs. OK, he is a natural performer. I'll give him that. I can see where this is going to go over big with the crowd and the judges. Seriously? Not me. He sings a shitty joke of a song, and the fact that the judges are standing up and applauding him proves to me that I just don't get it. He is so screechy, annoying with his vocals - at least last week I could maybe see why people wouldn't think it was terrible. This week was laughably bad. If he wasn't a frontrunner, I would think every week that he might be going home. I don't hate him, I just don't get it. It is like Wilco, or Twitter, or Southern Baptist as a religion - I mean, I get that some people can like it, but is that really something to get this excited over? Seriously, they are saving their judges reversal for the week he accidentally gets sent home because his fan base gets lazy. Oh yeah. And it will happen. Except that teenage girls never get lazy on the phones! I want it to be in the finale when they save him. That was good, he's a good singer. Or, it was not good, and he is just a niche singer. I'm not going to vote for him or anything, but I'm not offended like I was with, say, Megan or Scott. I think he has bothered me in other weeks, but the fact that he sang a song that your 48 year old single uncle dances to drunkenly at a wedding made the praise really piss me off this time. Yeah Megan and Scott are objectively worse, but that is a terrible song! Hardly relevant! People would leave the radio on that song if it came on?

Cutie Patootie Kris- He's doing Anal Sunshine? Oh, Ain't No Sunshine. Congrats Kris - the 100th performance of this song on this show! Again, I'm confused about what this song has to do with iTunes. I guess someone downloaded it at some point? Yeah, it is a weird promotional tie in this week for sure. The iTunes week on AI is like when they had to make stuff with Quaker Oats on Top Chef. (Chip is stilllll laughing about the Butthole Surfers joke he just made.) Dude, Kris is on fire! Carrie says that this is a performance she will remember - I agree that it was his best. I like him this week- he might get his first ever Chockley vote! Chip: "He's a sleeper! He's so slick, never misses a note. . ." Yes, and he looks like that. Maybe the teenage girls will vote for him instead of Robbie Rotten! Yep, that was great, I now am on board the Kris train. Chip: "I dunno- I just like him better than Lambert." Exactly. I agree - I want to get excited about someone in this terrible, terrible season of Idol.

To recap- I really liked Kris, Allison and Anoop. For me, I say Kris was good this week, and Allison was also not bad. Megan is an embarrassment. She and Scott are the bottom two. Anything else would be a travishamockery. Let Lambert get the lowest number of votes. Seriously, let him play his immunity idol so the next time counts. I also voted for Matt and Lil out of loyalty, not out of tonight. Gokey is what we thought he was. And Lambert is the wild card. We just don't like him, but his performance was good. I wouldn't say that. We will never vote for him, but we can reluctantly see how he's the front runner. Not even objectively. I just can't see the appeal at all. I try - like when I listen to a song by Jason Mraz, I can see why people would enjoy his non-offensive tripe and all, but with Lambert, I actually see nothing appealing. He is like NASCAR to me - I don't remotely see its appeal, but I don't hate it, I am just really indifferent if not underwhelmed. I am both subjectively and objectively unimpressed. But I got 2 more months until dude's coronation and all, so I guess I gotta get over it, or just ignore it.

And the night is saved by a commercial from this fine establishment. Thank you and good night. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2MMAbtJcEo

Outfielders

Outfield is the deepest position - tiers will be difficult, so I'll just break it down by who falls in what round on average.

5. Grady Sizemore - I don't know if I would take him at #5 overall. True, he is a 30/30 guy with 40/40 potential. He will get 100+ runs and RBI. But his EqAVG the last 3 years has not topped .280, and he is projected with an average of only .269 this year. He is a solid first round pick, don't get me wrong - it is just that it would be more of a slam dunk #5 with a higher average.
7. Ryan Braun - Another solid first round pick - 35-40 HR, 100 runs/RBI, 15 SB. The advantage he has over Sizemore is the average, which will be 25-30 points higher.
8. Josh Hamilton - Should come back down to earth this season, and that is not a drug joke. His average will be more in the .280-.200 range, don't expect another 130 RBI, and probably 25-30 HR. I wouldn't pick him over Kinsler/Rollins/Utley/Santana at this point. Then again, I could be proven wrong.

13. BJ Upton - Everyone has Upton in the teens in terms of overall rank, but I wouldn't do it. Could steal over 40 bases, but the 15 HR and .270 average don't make him a second rounder for me. Carl Crawford will be available in the third round if you want that production, but have a better average.
15. Alfonso Soriano - A much better second round pick. 30/20/.280, 100 runs/RBI. Falling to 19 overall in drafts because of his down year last year.
18. Carlos Beltran - Roughly the same as Soriano - His PECOTA projections: 27 HR, 18 SB, .293, 106 runs, 96 RBI. Really, if you want to take him over Soriano at this point, I say do it - Beltran will be on base more but will have a couple fewer HRs and SBs.
22. Carlos Quentin - Really exploded last year. I would be surprised if he could repeat his performance, and personally I would let someone else take that risk. Then again, that person might be rewarded with 35-40 HR late in the second round. PECOTA - 23HR, 77 RBI, 78 runs, .273 average - those are not second round projections. Let's just say - he was the highest ranked player not kept in my keeper league.

25. Carlos Lee - I am hoping he returns to form after his injury last year and posts another 30 HR 100 RBI .300 season. If he keeps the pace he had last year over the whole season, he is a second round pick next season. His age is somewhat of a concern though in terms of keeper leagues.
27. Carl Crawford - PECOTA is not keen on Crawford this year - 10 HR, 30 SB, .276 average. I think he will kill those projections though - a good third round pick, but I am not chomping at the bit to draft him there at the same time.
28. Manny Ramirez - Do it. Second round. He was the #3 overall guy last season. He is awesome - ignore the off the field stuff and draft him. He is being drafted ahead of the last 3 guys on average. 30+HR, 100+ RBI, .300 average. Boston thinks he was a "cancer" - let's compare: since 1918, with Manny, 2 World Series crowns; without Manny, 0 World Series crowns.
30. Jason Bay - Manny's "replacement" in Boston. He is just like Manny, minus about 25-30 points of average, 5-10 HR fewer, 10-20 fewer RBIs, and about 70 points off the OPS. So basically the same guy. I wouldn't spend a third rounder on him.
31. Vlad Guerrero - He is apparently a year older than we thought. Should be around .300, 20-25 HR, 80 runs, 100 RBI. No longer a threat on the basepaths. Third round is too high for Vlad too - I wouldn't.
33. Ichiro - Did you know he is 35 years old? I don't think he is a viable fantasy option anymore, mainly because of where he is ranked and where he is being drafted. Only hit .310 last year (I say "only" because we are used to like .350 with this guy), and he is only projected to steal 20 bases. Little to no power. Let the guy who is autodrafting get this guy in your draft.
34. Nick Markakis - Wow - the third round is really full of OFs that I wouldn't draft. 20 HR, 10 SB, .286 average, 96 runs 89 RBI - again, not a third rounder for me.
35. Matt Holliday - Will not play half his games in Colorado this year, but will be playing for a contract. If he can get his PECOTA projections, he is a steal, but they are based on him playing in Colorado. Should hit for a high average, 30 HR 100 runs/RBI. This is a third round outfielder for sure.
36. Matt Kemp - are we still in the third round range? Kemp has suggested he could go 40/40 at some point, and is a great keeper. Leagues just for this year though - 20 HR, 30 RBI, and a .290 average are more likely. A great third round OF again. Of the 9 OFs listed in the 25-36 range, I would rank: Manny, Lee, Holliday, Bay, Kemp, Crawford, Vlad, Markakis, Ichiro.

42. Curtis Granderson - You should like Curtis as a person - great guy, hard worker, etc. As a fantasy player, expect .275, 20/20. If he shows more patience at the plate, he could get to 100 runs. Solid, but I think 4th round might be iffy for me. If he slips to the 5th round, do it.
43. Alex Rios - .275, 20/20 guy. This is why he is ranked the same as Curtis.
47. Shane Victorino - .290, 15 HR, 30 SB. I would draft him before the last 2 guys.

51. Jacoby Ellsbury - .290, 40-50 SB. Will carry you in steals, help in average and runs. But 10 HR is a stretch, so the RBIs will be only around 50 or so. If you draft him, you need to grab a power guy to balance him out. If you do, you will be set.
53. Alexei Ramirez - Draft him as a middle infielder, not as an OF.
55. Nate McLouth - 20/20, .285. Good pickup here in the 5th round. My strategy is to grab 20/20 guys, and the Hardball Times just had an article saying McLouth is for real.
56. Corey Hart - More of a 25/25 guy, .290 average to boot. I like him over the last 6 guys, actually. If the 5th round sees you without an OF (which is a good strategy, btw), Hart is the guy I would want.

61. Hunter Pence - 25/10, .285 average. Solid for what you can get out of an OF at this point of the draft.
62. Magglio Ordonez - Stay away. I love the Tigers, but he is high risk, 35 years old, 20 HR .300 average.
66. Adam Dunn - I love Dunn in 5x5 leagues. He will carry you in HR. The guy to grab if you got Ellsbury in the last round. I would expect more of a .250 average instead of a .230 average, but 40 HR 100 RBI are par for the course with Dunn.

76. Jermaine Dye - 25 HR, .270 average, no speed, not a lot of runs. 7th round - look elsewhere.
78. Jay Bruce - .280, 30 HR, double digit SB - great 7th round pick. You can even target this guy and pick him up in the 6th if you want.
83. Ryan Ludwick - will not be available in the 7th round. His numbers last year were stupid. Even though he hit .299 last year, PECOTA has him at .264(!). He won't go 104/37/113 again this year.
84. Vernon Wells - Don't do it. Average is too low, won't get 20 HR or 10 SB this year.

94. Bobby Abreu - Don't do it. More like a 150 pick than the #94 guy, and is overrated because of his name. I don't see him putting up 100/20/100/20/.300 again. Another 35 year old - his numbers are on the decline.

102. Lastings Milledge - Slipping in drafts, but will give you what Abreu does, and has a higher ceiling. If you are a fan, wait until the 10th/11th round if you want.

113. Torii Hunter - A perrenial 20/20 guy, may not get there this year. I would stay away, but someone will draft him before you have time to even debate it.
115. Chris Young - 25/20 guy, and if he gets his average up, he is a better pick than the last 4 guys. Tons of potential, only 25 years old.
116. Johnny Damon - Don't do it. Can score 100 runs because of the lineup he is in, but when he has 6 HR and 9 SB at the all star break, you will be wondering why you didn't draft Xavier Nady, who will share the Yankee outfield with him.

122. Raul Ibanez - His guitar has 7 strings! OK, follow me here - he will be overrated because of his history as an underrated fantasy player. His correct ranking this year is more like where he used to be rated when he was underrated. 20 HR, .275 average. Nothing special.
124. Nelson Cruz - By definition, a AAAA player. Meaning, he is awesome in the minors, then kinda so-so in the majors. Projected for 25 HR, 14 SB, 73 runs, 83 RBI, but only a .260 average. I would stay away, but I don't fault you if you draft him.
128. Jayson Werth - Injury risk, not a ton of reward. Stay away.
129. Justin Upton - I would do it in the 13th round here. Actually slipping to the 14th/15th range. 20/10 guy, .280 average. The league where I drafted him, he is my 4th outfielder, but a solid sleeper pick. Better than the last 4 guys.
131. Andre Ethier - .290 average, 15-20 HR - Solid pick here, especially if you need some help in the OF. Not a sexy pick, but he is 27 so he is about to hit his prime, and he won't hurt your team in any categories really.
132. Brad Hawpe - My pick for sleeper of the year in the OF potentially. He is a 14/15 round pick, but could have 30 HR. PECOTA loves this guy, and projects 23 HR in only 500 PAs. If he stays healthy, 100/30/100 is possible.

137. Connor Jackson - Good average, average HR - again, not a high ceiling type of pick, but you know what you are gonna get.

145. Mark DeRosa - No.
160. Milton Bradley - DeRosa's teammate, and a much better pick here. 80/25/80. Can get 8-10 steals, hit close to .300. Better than the last 2 guys for sure.
165. Xavier Nady - Won't run, but will hit .275 with 20 HR. Runs/RBI will just happen when you play for the Yankees.
168. Pat Burrell - 25-30 HR with a .230 average. If you need power, he is a great pickup.

169. Denard Span - Tons of potential, but overrated at this point in his career. I wouldn't do it, but at this point of the draft, you can take risks if you want.
173. Rick Ankiel - .260, but 25 HR. Plus, it is frickin' Rick Ankiel. Do it.
180. Hideki Matsui - Do not draft.

181. Adam Jones - No, not that one. Actually a big sleeper candidate - 20/10/.280. I like him. Great 4th OF to draft.
185. Shin-Soo Choo - Actually a potential sleeper. I am not huge on this guy, but 15/10/.280 is probable.
187. Elijah Dukes - Seperate real life from fantasy baseball for this asshole - 20/20/.280 potential.
188. Willy Tavares - Will steal 60 bases this year and hit 1 HR. If you have loaded up on guys like Ryan Howard, Adam Dunn, Mark Reynolds, draft this guy for your steals.
189. Nick Swisher - .230 average, 25 HR. If you can make up for the average, do it.
192. Adam Lind - 14 HR, 3 SB, .272 PECOTA. Meh.

OK - at this point, I am going to other notables:
193. Delmon Young - 15-20 HR and SB, .280 average - sleeper pick here.
201. Cameron Maybin - The Marlins gave up on Cabrera for this guy - 15-20 HR, 20+ SB, .260s average - solid pick if you need a 4th OF or an injury replacement.
214. Jeremy Hermida - 15-20 HR, decent average.
248. Travis Snider - PECOTA likes him for 23 HR and a .250 average.
253. Carlos Gomez - Cheap source of steals, but not much else.
254. Jack Cust - Could have 30 HRs, but won't hit .240.
275. Michael Bourn - Amnesia, but another cheap source of steals.
280. Randy Winn - Close to a .300 average and some SB.

All in all, by the end of the draft, you will have at least 4 guys who can play OF. There are so many. Hope this helps, but I really just did it so I could get ready for my 2 drafts on Sunday!

Coming next - pitchers!